NSFW Conversation from Shemini Atzeret

Scene: Saturday morning in a hotel room while on Zoom services. It is a busy weekend at the hotel, with guests visiting for a wedding and/or a sports game. Outside the hotel room, school age children are running noisily throughout the hallway.

Husband: That is a serious meal

Me: What, breakfast? It’s just cereal.

Husband: No, the Haftarah. Right here, it says “Solomon offered 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep as sacrifices of well-being to the LORD.” (I Kings 8:63) 22,000 oxen. That is a serious meal.

Me: Ah. I see. Don’t forget about the 120,000 sheep.

Husband: You can have the sheep. I don’t like lamb.

Me: But aren’t sacrifices burned to crisp? 22,000 well-done to incinerated steaks? What a waste.

Husband: No, it’s barbecue. And all the more reason that we need a cast iron skillet so I can learn to make steak. I need to be prepared when Moshiach comes. (Husband is a Kohein)

Me: Right. You are so spiritual.

Husband: Do people really eat ox?

Me: I think so? I’ve heard of oxtail soup. Presumably that comes from ox.

Husband (shudders): Ugh, that sounds awful.

Me: Why?

Husband: It’s by the cow’s ass and there’s hair…ick (shudders again)

Me: They skin it and clean it. Just like any other meat.

Husband: But it’s by the ass. It’s like a penis. An ass-penis.

Me: What?! A tail is not a penis. The penis is a different organ. And the penis isn’t on the ass..

Husband: If humans had tails, they would use them for penetration.

Me: But…tails are not rigid…and animals are not human…

Husband: I’m telling you, if humans had tails, they would use them for sex.

Me: TAILS ARE NOT PENISES!!!

Everyone freezes. School age children in hallway perk up with interest.

Husband: I hope we’re on mute.

END SCENE

7 comments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.