An Update of Sorts

I didn’t intend for this a general life updates blog. I intended for this to be a blog of witty and interesting thoughts at least tangentially related to Judaism / Jewish life. But since pretty much all of my recent posts have involved venting and complaining and y’all have been incredibly kind and thoughtful readers, I figure an update is appropriate.

I feel…happy. Like strangely really happy.

Surprisingly enough. Photo by Hybrid on Unsplash

Hard to believe, when I couldn’t manage happiness on a day when we’re practically commanded to be. To be fair, I have a strange relationship generally with the Jewish calendar prescribed days of happiness and mourning. For instance, my Hebrew birthday is the same day as a fast day mourning events leading to the destruction of the Temple, which is also the same day my grandfather died; I associate Simchat Torah, a happy holiday, with the death of my close friend – I plan to write a longer post about this at some point. Anyway, I digress.

What changed? It’s not that life itself changed all that dramatically. I recently drafted, but didn’t publish, a post detailing all of the things I have been failing miserably at as of late. It was meant to be a self-deprecating humor post that started to veer too much into the self-deprecating territory even for my taste.

Fittingly, I failed to finish and publish said post about failures. But I re-read the draft. Job, certification exam prep, job-hunting, home life, congregation board responsibilities, and healthy habits, etc. are mostly still fails. But there have been small steps of progress, and I feel completely different than I felt earlier this week.

I had initial interviews with recruiters for some positions. Just basic intro screenings. To be honest, I have my reservations about these positions. One is more junior than current job, two are in a cities I have no interest in moving to, all appear to be trying to lowball the salary (a new COVID economy norm? argh…), and none fulfill the larger goal of changing industries, although one is a step in the right direction. But it left me feeling more confident and competent, and less stuck – a big improvement.

I officially registered for the certification exam. It’s soon. And there is a lot I need to learn and not a lot of time left to study for it. And yet, I feel happy still, even as I am very likely to fail it. Having a test date for the exam feels like progress and movement, which feels really, really good, even though it will blow up in my face because I am not prepared at all. I’m screwed, but I’m happy.

That came out much dirtier than I intended.

Even marriage seems somewhat improved. We agreed on Passover plans and Passover might actually not be a disaster. I am almost looking forward to it. And related or unrelated, but Husband seems more attractive to me, in a way. That might not be saying much though. TMI, but recently, I’ve found myself having sex fantasies about an odd variety of people including women I know (I’m straight, btw) and fictional characters from TV shows, so it might just be me in a strange phase. But feelings of attraction to one’s spouse (as opposed to, say, feelings of anger or resentment) are a pleasant change of pace from the usual tone of our marriage these days.

Therapist noticed too. She said this is the happiest she’s seen me. And then the session proceeded to dampen some of the happiness glow (which may also have been from going to the gym immediately before the session), although not completely. I still feel happy and dare I say, almost optimistic in a way. I honestly can’t remember the last time before now when I felt optimistic about something.

That is the update. Which feels odd, because feeling happy is hardly a newsworthy item. But I felt that I wanted you, all of you who have been reading and commenting and caring to know. Thank you.

Happy, and it doesn’t feel like a mask. Photo by Jacqueline Munguía on Unsplash

16 comments

  1. Thank you for sharing and I hope your good mood stays.

    I also didn’t intend to write a diary updates type blog, but it morphed into one pretty quickly, albeit one initially with a strong mental health component! I found that once people start commenting regularly, it becomes a social outlet and having the interactions are as important as having anything in particular to say.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks! I hear you. I’ve thought about starting a blog for some time, but it is interesting to see how your use of the blog and focus adapts as you go.

      I hope to move off of life updates and more to original intent, in my case. But I felt a need to say something.

      Shabbat shalom!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My theory is that most people only lean about 90% in the direction of their identified sexual orientation. I think having an active fantasy life that incorporates the 10% in the opposite direction is good for sexual wellbeing overall.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think there is truth to your theory, although of course, I only have my own experience to go on. I’ve suspected for some time that I am closer to 80-85% straight. I have never really felt any conflict with identifying as straight and I don’t identify as bisexual. But I also think I am not 100% straight. I’m pretty ok with this.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “I feel…happy.”
    Excellent!
    “Less stuck” and “registered for the certification exam” probably help, too, since it must feel like you are getting closer, at least, to getting things done, and you are getting things done!
    Well Done, JYP!
    Stay safe, and
    Shabbat Shalom,
    -Shira

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, although I’m afraid the key word is “feel” in “feeling less stuck” vs. actually being less stuck. And the more I look at the exam material, registration for the exam seems less like progress and more of a waste of money, given how thoroughly unprepared I am and how much I have to learn in relatively short time! It’s also strange trying to re-remember how to study for exams as an adult (especially when I arguably never had great study habits)! Wish me luck! (I certainly need it.)

      Like

    • I’d rather not share my industry or profession, but it’s a certification exam that would help for switching to a different industry, as I really want to leave current one.

      It is good, but this might be a case of one step forward, two steps back because I am really unprepared for this exam!

      Liked by 1 person

        • That was my first thought when I signed up for the next available test date. But now I am realizing how much I have to learn in a very short period of time. I suppose if I fail, I am no worse off, which isn’t exactly motivational, but does ease the blow of failure somewhat.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. it’s good you’re in a good place now; it’s important to acknowledge even the little victories;and feeling ‘stuck’ is never a good feeling; one must always find a way out , with or without a therapist; and thanks forkeeping us in the loop 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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