Too scared to shape the lump of clay that would be my life, lest it come out the kiln misshapen so it remained a block. I received beautiful bound journals but I couldn’t bring myself to mar the pristine virgin paper with words that might be wrong. Left the paper clean and chaste, my stories forgotten. I am forty now with nothing to show for it. When I die, movers will clear the bookshelf of blank birthday-gift journals. Perhaps some white powder will fleck off my dried out lump of clay and onto their coveralls, which they will wash till I leave no trace.
© 2021 Jewish Young Professional
Written for The Sunday Muse #164
Jewish Young Professional 
Liked that! Very nice.
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Thank you!
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So incredibly incredibly sad ….. I choose to think the opposite ~ your talent speaks volumes.
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Helen thank you so much for your kind words. I am truly touched
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All that blank paper and these words like a handmade vase. Keep spinning that wheel. So much more to make.
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Well said!
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doodle until you can write…
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A good point. I’ve found it much easier to draft on a laptop. Less fear of making ugly mistakes in the beautiful journals and also easier to save versions and revisions. But very good point to take baby steps if needed.
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And also, a journal is there to document growth: how can you show growth, if everything in your journal is beautifully final?
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That is a very good point.
I will say that I think journal-writing works better when your handwriting is legible. My handwriting, regardless of content, is pretty atrocious. If the penmanship is bad enough, you can’t really see anything at all!
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Yet another area where you will be able to visibly see your growth and improvement over the years!!
🙂
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It’s also been fascinating to see the “behind the scenes” draft paper work of fellow writers (I’m thinking of the photos of your outlines on pen and paper!)
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🙂
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I used to do that exact thing with pretty journals, leaving them blank until such time as I came up with something worthy of writing in them, which of course was never… I definitely worry I’ll die with nothing to show for my life, in large part because I’m usually too scared to try at anything I actually care about.
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Yep…this resonates all too well.
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All we are is dust in the wind? Someone may laugh at all my notebooks and journals full of babble, but they won’t be blank.
–Shay
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You’re right. Man is dust and we return to dust, etc. Good for you for a) not being afraid to write down the babble and b) turning it into some awesome poetry! (I just read your “God, in youth and age” and “Duet” and they’re awesome)
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It’s a wonderful poem, albeit sad. There was a point when one could die, be buried and that was it. The blank pages of unused journals had no tales to tell. In today’s world we leave an electronic legacy if we want to or not. A virtual afterlife of our words, deeds and images strewn across the reaches of cyberspace. If one is lucky, disuse, a crash or obsolescence will send one’s virtual afterlife into oblivion.
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True that the electronic legacy captures the good and the bad for all of eternity. In that respect, the physical journals can feel less risky
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But in expressing oneself there is no wrong — there is either did or did not… I say always do!
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Absolutely! It can be strangely difficult to get over the hump of fear of making mistakes sometimes. But I admire your spirit and I try to emulate!
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So sad. 😥
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This spoke loudly to me! A powerful poem of the did nots. I too have left too many journals blank. I am working on fixing that.
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The did-nots – that is a good way of putting it.
Awesome that you are filling in your journals! I need to do more of that myself
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Dare to let go. What’s the worst that could happen? I think the fear of being forgotten is a valid one. We’re pushed to be stars…
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I do find that thought really scary. It’s can feel scary to create too, but yes, being forgotten is the other fear
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our universal bugaboos–anonymity and impermanence
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This is so true
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At least you are marring the pristine grey slab of your blog’s verse block. I, for one, am glad of that.
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Thank you! I do find easier to write on this blog vs. in a physical journal. Maybe because my handwriting is atrocious? Funny though because in some ways, mistakes live a lot longer on the internet.
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It’s difficult to overcome that first blank expanse but marking the page can create momentum.
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This is so true. Getting started really is the hardest part, in many ways
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I have felt like this at times. Trust me, you are creating much that will be remembered.
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Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️
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Midlife can be a challenge, but the best is yet to come. Your digital journals will show what might have been on those blank page journals on your shelf. Hang in there and keep moving forward!
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I certainly hope so!
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When I read this, I was literally sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting for someone, with a bag of two new notebooks I just bought at a nearby bookstore to add to my towering pile of other blank notebooks. It’s a sickness, I tell you. I have the same fear of writing in them and sullying them with my stupidity.
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I haven’t purchased a journal in awhile, but when I receive one say as a gift or something, I feel this strange sensation of appreciation (how nice!) and guilt/fear (oh no, another one for the collection!)
I get that journal-writing feels different, and also in blogging, we get to edit without having to cross out or rip out whole pages, but I find your blog writing style awesome! You do not sound stupid!
Hope the patient is ok.
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Thanks so much for the compliment. I am enjoying your blog a lot and I am sure your notebooks would not be dishonored by the content if you filled them up.
Thank you for your warm wish for the patient, aka my fiance. He was getting a scan so let’s hope for good results.
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Hoping for good news!
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So sad, and yet you will leave traces of your splendid talent.
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❤️
Thank you so much
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I had that hang-up for years! Always got fancy journals and couldn’t bring myself to write in them. For me, the cure was a plain composition book 😁
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Nice! For me, the cure was a laptop. Much easier to make mistakes and revise. Although you do miss out on the journaling experience
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Very true! But moving that journaling impulse into the blog space is a whole different animal
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an effective poem; I really believe you will move onto a more buoyant state 🙂
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Thank you, I appreciate it
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Incredibly powerful 💕
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Thanks!
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💗😊
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