Rosh Hashanah Wrap Up [NSFW]

Some highlights from Rosh Hashanah 5782. I’ll put the NSFW stuff at the end.

The Hard Cider

We arrived at my parents’ house for the Rosh Hashanah meal and learned that Sibling #3 brought an impressive assortment of alcoholic beverages.

Sibling #3: We’ve got [3-4 different kinds of local craft beers], we’ve got hard seltzer, hard apple cider-

Husband: Oh, for the apples and honey! That’s brilliant!

Sibling #3: (a beat) Yes, that is exactly what I was thinking when I bought it.

Also, Mom and Sibling #1 were clearly pregaming.

We started the meal. First is the Kiddush over the wine to sanctify the holiday. Then HaMotzi, the blessing over the challah (bread). Then we started on the appetizers and soup, followed by the main course.

*Dinner conversation completely unrelated to Rosh Hashanah*

Mom (drunk): Ohmigod! I forgot to serve apples and honey!

Sibling #3: It’s okay Mom, we’re good. Drink more cider.

Sibling #1: Yup, It’s basically the same thing, just fermented.

L’chaim! Photo by Craig Adderley from Pexels

Weird Upside of Rosh Hashanah During COVID #1 – Hotel Breakfast Buffet

We stayed at this hotel near my parents for the holidays last year too. Last year, the hotel served limited, individually wrapped items, like cereal and muffins. An acceptable breakfast, but nothing special. This year, they opened up their full breakfast buffet, including one of those make-your-own-belgian waffle setups.

I keep a kosher kitchen, however, I do not eat exclusively kosher outside of the home. That said, I felt a twinge of “Well, it is Rosh Hashanah. Perhaps I should stick with the cold, individually wrapped, hechshered items to start the new year“. Followed immediately by “But dammit, I want waffles“.

Waffles won. Photo by Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash

Of course, a hotel breakfast buffet is only good if you wake up in time for it. Husband was sleeping late and the breakfast buffet was closing soon.

JYP: Breakfast closes in half an hour. You need to wake up if you want breakfast.

Husband: *mumbles something unintelligible that I believe translates to either “Five more minutes” or “Fuck you, woman, I’m sleeping“*

JYP: Hey, I don’t make the rules here. Look, I got you a muffin! Well, actually, I got you two muffins, but I ate one already.

Husband: *unintelligible mumble that I believe translates to either “Thank you” or “Go away“*

I speak “Sleeping Husband” but I am not fluent. Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Weird Upside of Rosh Hashanah During COVID #2 – Reading Torah While Masked

I’ve mentioned before that I read Torah, but I haven’t explained what that entails. The Torah scroll does not have the vowels, musical cantillation marks, or even punctuation, like where the verses end. In order to read from the Torah, you have to study the section you’re reading ahead of time and essentially memorize it, since you won’t have vowels/cantillation/punctuation.

This is what the Torah scroll looks like. You have the consonants, but no vowels, punctuation, or musical cantillation marks. Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

If you know Hebrew language well, it is less work to learn the Torah reading. Since I don’t know Hebrew language very well, I just have to memorize and recite back. Kind of like a trained parrot.

Self-portrait of me as a Torah Reader. Photo by Magda Ehlers from Pexels

There are always two gabbais present to make sure the Torah reader is reading correctly and not making mistakes. The gabbais can also help if the Torah reader is having trouble. But everyone is happier when they don’t need to do much correction or prompting.

Anyway, I was reading from the Torah scroll, and I reached a word for which I couldn’t remember what the vowel was, because I did not do a good enough job of studying the reading in advance. Luckily, I was wearing a mask, which muffles a lot of sounds. I guessed a vowel sound in between the two vowels I thought it might be, and, since I was muffled by my own mask, the gabbais and congregation thought, “sounds legit“, and I continued the reading as if a mistake had not been made.

Alternate Purposes for a Tallit [slightly NSFW]

Background: A tallit is a four-cornered prayer shawl. At each corner are tzitzit (fringes); this is based on Numbers 15:37-41. It is traditionally worn by men, however, women can and sometimes do wear a tallit in egalitarian communities such as my hometown synagogue.

Image by Orna Wachman from Pixabay

I’m very egalitarian and I’m all for women wearing tallitot (plural of tallit) if they want to. But it’s not something I do personally. Not for any philosophical reason or anything. It just isn’t something I typically do.

Anyway, 2nd Day of Rosh Hashanah, I got to synagogue, and I realized that the neckline of my dress was considerably lower than I thought it was when I first put it on. Like, no real danger of indecent exposure, but more skin than I would typically feel comfortable showing the congregation. Especially since I’d be on the bimah for another Torah reading, and I just knew that with my luck, the camera livestreaming the service to those attending online will manage to pick up images of my cleavage.

And then I eyed the rack of tallitot and find a solution. It turns out that a tallit, in addition to acting as a ritual prayer object, also does a satisfactory job of hiding this potential wardrobe malfunction. I put on the tallit and I look like a normal shul attendee, and not like someone who does not know how to get dressed in the morning.

I felt weirdly and disproportionately pleased with myself, as if I had just solved one of the great dilemmas facing our time. It’s not as if the Rabbis of the Talmud have dealt with the question of what to do if you find yourself showing too much of your boobs on the bimah, and I have.

Anal Sex and Other Fun Conversations to Have In Front Of Your Parents [very NSFW]

Sibling #2 & Sibling #2-in-law are expecting a baby. Everyone is extremely happy about this. But Sibling #2 was mildly annoyed that they didn’t get to use any of the witty, snappy comebacks they had prepared in case anyone had asked any nosy questions about their family plans, as people were surprisingly well-behaved (for once).

Sibling #2: I had so many good comebacks. Like, ‘Oh, when are you having babies?’ – ‘We’re conceiving one tomorrow night, wanna watch?!’ *snaps fingers*

Sibling #3: [Name of Newly Married Female Friend] is telling people she’ll have babies when [Newly Married Female Friend’s Husband] stops finishing in her butt.

Sibling #1: You know there’s still a slight chance you can get pregnant with anal sex.

JYP: Not with a strap-on.

All, including my parents (shocked): JYP!!!

JYP: That was gonna be my comeback line, but no one’s been rude enough to ask us either.

I’ll end this post with some blessings for the new year (because I can’t really think of how else to follow the anal sex conversation).

May you be sealed for a good year! And may you never livestream your cleavage to the congregation!

I’ll drink to that. L’chaim! Photo by Craig Adderley from Pexels