It Took Me Over Two Years To Write This Post – Part 1 “The News”

The story is true (some details omitted for privacy); the names are fake.

Content Warning: Suicide

***

Hi “Joyce”,

You may not know this, but I saw “Ezra” the day before.  I was cutting through the supermarket parking lot on my way to the nail salon, and he was walking towards the supermarket, so I rolled down my window and waved.  I knew you’d just gotten home from the hospital.

JYP: Hey, how are you? How’s Joyce doing?

Ezra (gesturing across the street to the drugstore): Ok.  She’s in the pharmacy now, picking up prescriptions.

JYP: Do you need meals or anything? My sister’s wedding is this weekend, so I’m not around, but I’ll be back Monday afternoon.  I could bring over a meal on Monday evening. 

I meant it.  I’d taken the following Monday off because of the wedding weekend. I knew I would be back home with enough time for grocery shopping and prepping a simple comfort food dinner.  Baked ziti or shepherd’s pie, that sort of thing.  I’m not a great cook, but I can boil pasta as well as the next person. I was already mentally putting together a grocery shopping list.

Anyway, Ezra said “Maybe, check in on Monday”, and then we said goodbye. 

I thought about dropping by the drugstore and saying hi to you.  But it seemed weird to meet someone in a drugstore on a busy Friday afternoon.  It was weird to do this even before COVID.

Also, I really needed to get a manicure and get to the hotel for the wedding weekend.  So I drove to the nail salon.  I figured I had time.

The pre-wedding segment of the weekend was great. Saturday was spent seeing all the family members coming in before the big day on Sunday. Catching up with cousins, enjoying dinner with brother-in-law-to-be’s family, celebratory drinks at the hotel bar on Saturday night.

I woke up Sunday morning at 5:30 AM for hair and makeup (we bridesmaids had to be at the salon at 6 AM).  I checked my email out of habit. And I saw the email Ezra sent from your email address to all your friends. The email informing us that you had killed yourself.

Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

34 comments

  1. It seems a bit wrong to ‘like’ this post, but I wanted to show that I read it and want to read the continuation. (There should be a button like the ‘like’ button, but for upsetting or traumatic posts, an ‘I hear you’ or ‘I understand’ button.)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Do you remember the M*A*S*H theme song “Suicide is Painless”? It always creeped me out that it’s such a likable song for such a morbid act, which is neither painless for the person leading up to suicide and it leaves a terrible trail of pain, guilt suffering, and remorse for those left behind. I was a teenager when M*A*S*H the TV show came out, but I had already lost friends, friends’ parents and friends’ siblings to suicide. I saw families torn asunder, and friends who never got over the loss of parents and siblings. I can understand why it has taken you two years to write this post.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It was shocking, horrifying news to receive at the time. Thank you for reading and showing support; I appreciate that this wasn’t an easy read*. It has been hard to talk about. It’s been over two years since she took her own life, and it’s only now that I feel ready to share my story and feelings about it.

      *I appreciate your support, but I recognize this is a difficult subject matter to read about. Please do not feel obligated to continue if this is a difficult subject for you. Your own mental and emotional health comes first.❤

      Liked by 1 person

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