Struggling [Updated]

Update:

I feel touched and grateful for all of the deeply kind and thoughtful responses to this post of essentially thought/word-vomit with mild editing for readability.

The vomit metaphor, while gross, crude, and cliché, is apt. I actually do feel some of that relief that one feels after vomiting – the feeling of the nausea subsiding and the relief of getting whatever it was out of your system. I also feel a non-trivial amount of embarrassment that this is still a public post. I may take this down in a few days and hopefully return to more normal-style posts, but I wanted all of you who had left comments to know that they were appreciated.

If you found this post too relatable because you’re feeling this way yourself, I have no advice, but I wish you healing, comfort and peace. ❤

***

I didn’t want to write this post, but I don’t feel like I have anything else to write.

I’ve been struggling more lately. Writing an email has become an insurmountable task. Basic grooming and hygiene tasks felt insurmountable before too, but it feels worse now. I might well be wearing remnants of makeup from two days ago because I can’t remember taking it off. I feel disgusting, but I feel too exhausted to get up to wash my face or take a shower.

Beauty tip: Elizabeth and James Nirvana Black Dry Shampoo is amazing. I failed to shower and wash my hair before meeting up with people in person (eg. going to the office and out for drinks & karaoke afterwards) but I used this dry shampoo and this drunk woman at karaoke told me my hair was beautiful and she was playing with it for a good few minutes. This might have been boundary-crossing to some, but I was thrilled that my hair seemed beautiful and not grungy and gross, and I absolutely love when people play with my hair, so I didn’t mind at all. (Also compared to some of the boundary-crossing violations I’ve experienced at bars, this was nothing.)

Photo used without permission. This post is not sponsored.

Anyway, a friend had recommended this dry shampoo to me a while ago and I just tried it now. I don’t even think they make this product anymore. You can only seem to find it on reseller sites. The product description copy on this Amazon listing was clearly not written by the Elizabeth and James brand.

***

I’ve been sleeping more and I’m still exhausted. Note that “sleeping more” = going to bed between 10 PM and 1 AM, waking up between 2 – 4 AM, staying awake for awhile accomplishing absolutely nothing, and then sort of going back to sleep and waking up between 6 – 8 AM. I don’t set alarms. 8 AM is the latest I’ve ever woken up on a weekday, which scared me. And yet, I could barely keep my eyes open at 8.

***

It’s become apparent that I picked the wrong job offer. It’s clear now that I would have been happier taking the other job offer in May. Not to say that I didn’t have good reasons: I picked the job with the higher title, more money (at first glance), more perks (eg. more vacation days), and no relocation required. The other job would have meant relocating to another state/city in close proximity to Relatives I Did Not Want To Live In Close Proximity To. It was a lower title and less money, although given that this other city is a place with a lower cost of living, I might have come out ahead. I was too focused on the dollars in absolute terms to assess this properly. It would have been fewer perks and vacation days – my vacation and taking off for the Jewish holidays (not that I took off for all of them, but I did for Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and 1st days of Sukkot and they were absolutely worth it) would have been more challenging if not impossible. But that other offer had work and a work environment that I would have enjoyed more. My parents actually made this point, and I was too stupid to listen to them.

That offer is not available anymore. There aren’t as many openings for a role I’d be looking for now, but there are some. But there’s a financial penalty of sorts for leaving this job too soon. I’m better off staying at current job for at least another 8 months if I can. And current job isn’t awful, but like….I’m not happy.

I don’t say that out loud though. When these two students entering my field interviewed me for a career mentoring conversation, I made it seem like I was happy with all my career decisions. When I met up with my friends who work in my industry, I made it seem like this job was the best job ever. (Also because one friend is younger and has a more impressive title than me and I felt inferior so I tried to hide that). That wasn’t actually hard – my company has a good reputation and the perks are awesome.

***

Life just feels meaningless and pointless. I know, I said I didn’t actually feel this way, but I lied. I feel this way all the time. I belong to a religion and I believe in G-d; I have not found either of those things to be hugely helpful in shaking the feeling that life is meaningless.

This blog feels like a lie in other ways too. Even the name, “Jewish Young Professional” feels like a lie – I haven’t written any great content about the Jewish world, I don’t feel young, and I can barely write an email, so much for professional.

***

I’m supposed to believe that we can improve our marriage. I don’t actually believe this. My husband isn’t manipulative and he isn’t a liar…but I don’t think he actually cares enough. Then again, because I know nothing is going to change, I’ve found myself mentally checked out too.

Still, I should be grateful. I can trust Husband not to do anything truly awful. He also spent an absurd amount of time helping my parents out with something this week. My parents are now treating us to Shabbat dinner this week . Mom talked to me to coordinate, but implied that this was a thank you gift to Husband; this actually had nothing to do with me. My family is both extremely awesome and extremely annoying; I cannot imagine having a different partner who would have the same level of patience with my family. One could definitely have a far worse marriage than this one.

That’s the thing. I’m not inherently afraid of being single. And while my looks are lackluster and I have not actually tried actively dating, I actually think I would not have so much trouble getting a date. Men are nowhere near as shallow and objectifying as they’re made out to be (I’ve found women to be much worse on this front, actually), and I am surprisingly good at flirting despite not being blessed in the looks department. But I don’t believe for a minute that I would find a partner that would be a better fit or that I could actually trust, or even just with whom the future would look brighter.

That’s the thing people don’t realize about cheating. In order to cheat, yeah, you need to have a relationship in crappy enough state that you’d consider it, sufficiently low morals to do it / the ability to rationalize it to yourself to get over any guilt, and sure, it’s easier if you’re good-looking enough that someone else is interested in you. But what you also need is the optimism to believe someone else is going to make you happier.

That’s why I don’t cheat. I can’t say it’s something I would never do because I have cheated in the past, so that is literally false. I know I am capable of the rationalizing and deception to cheat because I’ve done it before. But I also know cheating is pointless. Everyone else you can cheat with is also flawed, and I don’t have the optimism to believe that another partner would actually make me happier.

***

I’m not actually sure what I am complaining about. Life, by any objective measure is fine. This is really a me problem. I don’t know why I wrote this.

Time to get off the metaphorical floor and write emails. Photo by Sofia Alejandra from Pexels