Oh boy, do I have an epic regret story in response to Fandango’s Provocative Question: “If you could have a second chance at just one event in your life, what would you choose? What would you do differently?”
***
Introduction
It was 9th grade, and I was in chorus just before class started, talking to a friend. For the purpose of this story, I’ll call said friend “Melody” because we were both in the alto section and I like irony.

It was actually kinda odd that Melody and I were friends in the first place. I was this smart, dorky, goody-goody with no perceptible theatrical or musical talent. Melody didn’t excel in academics and she had a bit of a bad reputation, but she definitely had talent and was often cast in shows and sang solos in the concerts.
The one thing we did have common was that we both wanted to be famous for our performing talents. I don’t even remember having a conversation with her about this, it’s like we just perceived it. And it was true- I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I knew I wanted to be famous. Keep in mind that this was circa 1999 when you actually needed talent and achievement to be famous vs. 2022 when all you need is Instagram. It sounds completely ridiculous now, but back then, I just wanted to be famous so bad!

Even more odd, despite all evidence to the contrary, Melody seemed to believe in my talent.
The Audition
Melody turned to me.
Melody: Hey, guess what? I heard about an audition for a part in a movie. The movie is based on a book and you’d be perfect as one of the characters!
Me: Really?
Melody: Yes! This role is so perfect for you. Read the book and I will give you the info.
I read the book. And Melody was right – there was a character in the book who was just like me! Book-smart, nerdy, know-it-all. Even the physical description of the character matched pretty well. That wasn’t exactly flattering, as this character was not described as beautiful. But in this case, the description was apt and oddly an advantage.
There were differences – the character in the book was approximately 11 and I was 14 and in high school – but I was short, flat-chested (at the time), and regularly mistaken for being a lot younger. So the age gap seemed surmountable.
What Was Insurmountable…
The insurmountable part was everything else.

The audition turned out to be more of a casting call, the first step of which involved sending a headshot to a casting director overseas. I didn’t have a headshot. I had no idea how to get a headshot. I didn’t even know how to mail something internationally. (Remember, I was a sheltered, naive 14-year-old.)
I couldn’t imagine telling my parents about this opportunity. They’d say no. I couldn’t imagine doing this behind their back, because the logistics involved in getting a headshot and mailing it (keep in mind I didn’t have a driver’s license yet) while maintaining a believable cover story seemed impossible. Not to mention, in the unlikely event that I got the part, I couldn’t imagine how filming (also overseas) was going to work. I had no idea how to take this opportunity that was straight out of my wildest dreams and fit it into my current reality.
So I didn’t. I didn’t follow up. I didn’t send a photo for this casting call. I regret this very much.
Because…
Did I mention that this was for the role of Hermione in Harry Potter?

Reality Check
Let’s be honest – I would not have gotten the part. Sure, at the time, I thought my fake British accent was great. Brits reading this post, stop laughing. Every American thinks their fake British accent is great. We’re wrong, but this is what we Americans think. But J.K. Rowling was pretty adamant that the cast had to be British. (I didn’t know that at the time.)
On top of that, the casting directors, who were already concerned about a cast of potentially rapidly aging child actors, were not going to cast a 14-year-old, even if she appeared to be 10. And that’s assuming that my headshot wouldn’t be rejected on the spot (not that Hermione was described as a beauty in the book, but I have never been photogenic.) And even if all of the above-mentioned weren’t an issue, keep in mind that I had no discernable acting talent.

Still…
This may or may not be related, but I proceeded to spend the rest of high school sleepwalking in a depressed fog. That’s the best way I can describe it. There was no good reason for this – no traumatic experiences or circumstances, my parents were lovely people, no one did anything terrible to me. I barely remember anything about high school except for depression sleepwalking. But this may be unrelated.
To this day, I hate the Harry Potter movies. And not for a normal person’s reason, like the antisemitic goblins or J.K. Rowling’s statements about transgender. I saw some of the movies, but I couldn’t really watch or enjoy them.
To this day, it still kills me to read stories like that J.K. Rowling was initially underwhelmed by Hermione’s casting because Emma Watson was too pretty. Not that J.K. Rowling would have been happier casting a talentless American teenager instead, but I can assure you that “too pretty” wouldn’t have been an issue if it were me.
When Emma Watson posed topless for Vanity Fair, I reminded myself that I would die of embarrassment if I had a topless photo in Vanity Fair. And also, that I was not hot and no one wanted to see that.

It still kills me to read the bad reviews of Emma Watson’s performance in the live-action Beauty and the Beast – I don’t have that many talents but my Disney Princess singing voice is pretty good (Update: You don’t have to take my word for it; listen here and decide for yourself) and playing a Disney Princess?!?! I mean, that would have been amazing.

Fame?
Perhaps it is just as well. The nature of fame changed from “recognition of talent and achievement” to “stalk every aspect of your life and take upskirt photos on your eighteenth birthday” to “post your own nudes on Instagram before someone else threatens you with them“.
I’ve had a good life filled with undeserved good circumstances and blessings. I married someone who is paranoid when it comes to privacy, and yet who is fine with me keeping this overly honest public blog. I don’t have $70 million (!), but I have a career I don’t absolutely hate that sounds cool to other people and that pays the bills and then some. Life could be worse.
I still, embarrassingly, crave some measure of fame and spotlight. That’s part of why I loved karaoke – the thrill of public performance without the usual barrier to entry (for better or worse).

Lesson Learned?
If my life were an inspirational self-help book – which would never happen because I’m nearly forty and have done nothing of value with my life, and I’m too much of a pessimist for a self-help book – this incident would be a turning point. I’d learn my lesson and from this point forward, I’d take those chances on auditions, job applications, everything, so I wouldn’t have the regret of missing out. I wouldn’t have another “I could have been in the Harry Potter movies” moment.
Of course, this did not happen. At this very moment, I’m sitting on an unsubmitted job application, a job for which I’m basically guaranteed an interview for, well, I don’t really know why. The point is that, no, I did not manage to internalize the lesson of taking chances like this. That’s the other thing I’d do differently.

What a tangle of conflicts. I love your analogy of what fame in 2022 can mean and how vapid and shallow it can be. Apply for the job, if it suits you to do so.
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Society, the world, technology, culture, everything is just so completely different now vs. 1999. For all my wanting to be famous, I don’t think it’s something I could handle, and I don’t know that the 2022 version of fame is something I even want. You couldn’t pay me enough to get back on Instagram (I was on Instagram for a day and hated it) – that’s like a prerequisite today.
I’m not sure why I’ve been dragging my feet on this job. I really should just apply.
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If it eats at you badly enough, you may just have to chew on it back. Why are you dragging your feet?
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I have some reservations about the workplace (oddly, it’s for a company I worked for at one point several years ago which is both good and bad), and also, I just find myself lacking the appetite to go through the job-hunting self-promotion cycle again, even though I’m not crazy about current job. I really, really should just go for it
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Your life, your decision. When the excitement or pain quotient amps the desire for change, then you’ll want to do it.
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Truth. Well-said
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You are en entertaining story teller, and weave a wonderful plot. You say you are almost forty and have done nothing of value in your life? That all depends on what you consider valuable, I suppose. I’m sure what you do for your job and your work within your faith are much more valuable than you may think, and probably more valuable and healthy than being famous, especially what being famous has become. You defined modern fame well. I never wanted to be famous. I don’t like being in the spotlight. I like being behind the scenes making things work, but I do like the recognition of the part I play in making things happen. I have done my share of performing in public, and it is magical when everything clicks.
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Thanks for the feedback on the story telling! I had tried writing about this experience in a different writing piece, a long time ago, and it wasn’t as successful a piece. This was a much better retelling of the story.
You make a lot of good points. The truth is that even if I had become a famous movie star, there’s a lot that I would have missed out on. My relationship with my family would be completely different, probably not in a good way. The loss of autonomy would have been difficult. It’s hard to imagine what my relationship with Judaism would be.
It is magical when a public performance goes well. The best case scenario I guess is getting those opportunities and rightful recognition, but not having the all-encompassing burden of today’s fame and everything that comes with it.
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John Greenleaf Whittier wrote, at the end of one of his poems, “For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’ ” Sad especially when the only relief comes from considering that it most likely would not have been anyway. Not a win-win. However, looking at the bright side, you are dead wrong to think your advanced age (ha) precludes future fame. Talking about regretting things that might have been, imagine yourself at age 70 regretting what you didn’t do when you were 40.
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I probably should clarify that this isn’t my greatest regret in life (I’m actually not sure what that is or even if I want to bother thinking about it), but it is my greatest story about a regret in life. It’s hard not to look at this similar how one might think “if only I bought Bitcoin when I had the chance to buy it for $1 in 2011” or something. But at the same time, fame, especially fame today, comes with a pretty steep cost. There’s a lot that I would have compromised or missed out on. I regret it, in the way one regrets missing the boat on Bitcoin. But I also have some perspective now (aging has its benefits!) that I didn’t have as a teenager and I’m not devastated.
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I was captivated by your story, and when you revealed the movie I felt the pangs your teenage self must have. The idea you might be able to have that fame if only you’d…
It’s something I think most can relate to.
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Thank you! I’m so glad that this story felt captivating and relatable. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried writing about this experience, but this post was a lot better in terms of writing quality than previous attempts.
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I think its high time to let the 14 yr old girl off the hook. Hermione would have.
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Thanks. I probably should have clarified that this is my greatest story about a regret in life, not my greatest regret in life itself. Actually, I’m not sure what my greatest regret would be and I don’t really care to think about it. With time and perspective, I’ve let myself off the hook.
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hear, hear!
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Your blog is always so entertaining and honest. I loved this post! Woulda, coulda, shoulda comes to mind. Btw is that the right order? ☺️👍💕
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Coulda woulda shoulda, etc. Thanks! This is not the first time I’ve attempted to write about this experience, but it is (so far – you can’t be a writer without constantly thinking about revision) the best attempt. I really appreciate the feedback.
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[…] movies for reasons too embarrassing to post here [Update: reason for hating Harry Potter movies are here]. But to be honest, I don’t really care. Not because I’m trying to protect childhood […]
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Thanks for sharing how you almost became Emma Watson. But I bet Emma can’t write a blog post as entertaining as this one is, so there’s that.
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I told you it was a good story!
In a parallel universe, Emma Watson is wishing that she could give up her $70 million and worldwide fame so she could become an anonymous WordPress blogger. Actually, it probably is difficult to have an anonymous anything when you’re that famous. If you’re a celebrity dying to share some deeply embarrassing, personal, or unpopular opinions, I suppose you don’t have much of an outlet.
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why do you think famous people can’t have anonymous blogs? seems to me that they could…
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You caught me – I’m actually a super-rich, super-famous super model celebrity pretending to be an anonymous blogger in between filming and running my incredibly successful fashion and lifestyle brand. Dammit, now you blew my cover! 🤣
Kidding aside though, I still feel like an anonymous blog would be difficult for a celeb. There’s no such thing as true anonymity, and the potential risk of having something embarrassing or offensive linked back to them could significantly hurt their image and income. Not to mention that if you’re a big celebrity and your time is worth that much money, you’re just not going to spend it writing anonymous poetry on WordPress.
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Maybe you should reach out to Emma and see if she’d ever interested in trading places with you.
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Great idea! We could even spilt our time if she doesn’t want to do a permanent switch. Emma can write half my blog posts, I’ll do half her acting gigs and brand ambassadorships, we’ll split the money…this sounds like a great plan! 😉
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Even pose topless in Vanity Fair? Let me know when so I can buy that issue. 😉
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🤣I think I’m going to leave that one on Emma’s job duty list.
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Probably good thinking!
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Good post! I would hate being famous, but I want to do something amazing, and know that other people know that, even without their saying anything. Basically, I want to be a reclusive genius author like J D Salinger.
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Yeah, there’s a difference between appropriate and rightful recognition for brilliance and achievement, and the 24/7 Insta-circus fame culture of the 2020s.
No offense to J.D. Salinger, but I didn’t like Catcher In The Rye at all!
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I have to confess I’ve never actually read it!
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Loved that big reveal of it being for the role Hermione. Ouch! Poor 14 year old you.
You write wonderfully! It’s always a pleasure reading your post – they flow so well and are entertaining.
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Thanks! This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to write about this experience. It is the most successful attempt though, finally nailing that reveal at the right time. I really appreciate the feedback!
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Good luck with the job decision.
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I think “good luck with the job application” would be more accurate at present. But thank you. This is a good reminder to stop dragging my feet.
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I’m going to be the selfish one and say I’m glad we get you to ourselves in the blogosphere.
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Hehe. You know, thank you for the selfishness. I also selfishly appreciate you being around here too.😊
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love this and if it’s any consolation… you’re famous to us! 💖🌈😘
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Aw thanks! 🥰
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Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But as you eloquently explore, while missing out on fame sux, it is possible to believe that fame sux even more.
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I know right? It’s hard not to feel like missing out. But it’s also true that fame comes with a lot of strings attached.
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It sounds to me like you did just fine without “being famous.” You know the BEST part about being a little famous (not me, just my husband)? You wind up with great stories to tell when you are old, so even when you are 80 (he’s 80, really), people STILL listen. Interesting and slightly famous people have great after dinner chatter.
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Well, I’m not a little bit famous either. Intriguing though. I feel like you and your husband both have some interesting stories!
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I really enjoyed this! I will say I was relieved it was a “lighter” post because when I saw “greatest regret” I was like Oh great I’m gonna have to dredge something up too now. What I loved is the whole myopia of the fourteen-year-old who tries to figure out how to secretly work out all of the logistics involved in this. I remember those days well. I’m still sorta that way. Anyways, you shouldn’t put yourself down so much. You sound too smart to be bad-looking. I also want to say the writing here is top-notch. Now one thing I hate is when I get a comment that says “Well-written!” because that’s the kiss of death. it means the reader missed the whole damn point. But I will say here is that your structure of this post and how you lead into the Harry Potter bit was really good.
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Thanks! Sorry, the title is a little clickbait-y; I needed something that didn’t reference Harry Potter and this was the first thing I thought of. It is very dramatic and, yes, a myopic teenager totally would have written this title, but mid/late 30s-year-old me could have come up with a more balanced, less-clickbait title. Sorry to scare you!
I really appreciate the writing feedback, especially coming from you. This actually wasn’t the first time I tried to write about this experience. (I tried in another, pre-WordPress piece.) But this was a lot more successful with respect to setting the scene, the structure, the Harry Potter reveal, etc. Revision for the win!
I don’t think intelligence and being good-looking are correlated, but I appreciate the sentiment. I will tell you though that it was actually quite challenging figuring out how to describe my physical appearance in a way that felt accurate – accurate to my actual physical features and accurate to what 14-year-old me (and later teenage me, and the adult me of 2017 reading about the Vanity Fair cover) thought at the time.
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I don’t actually think it was click-baity–most people probably don’t think along the same lines I do when it comes to angst so I’m sure it’s all good! I’m glad your revision made it come out the way you wanted. Sometimes a different approach is all it takes when something doesn’t have liftoff. As for me, describing my fourteen-year-old self is pretty easy because I look the same except that the bad posture I affected as a teenager is now baked in.
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It didn’t help that this was in response to a rather dramatic “if you could have a second chance at one event, what would you do differently” prompt, which is difficult to answer in a way that is not overdramatic.
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I’m the same way.
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Your teenaged angst was better than most teenaged angst. Great read.
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Thanks! It probably helps that I wrote this long after I was no longer a teenager. I think if I had tried to write this story as a teenager, it would be just as terrible as every other teenage angst tale of woe that lacks the perspective of adulthood and experience.
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20/20 hindsight is valuable regardless.
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[…] for Tim’s willingness to participate, encouragement, technical knowledge, and for making my Disney Princess dreams come […]
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I found this a rivetting read: honest, well-paced, uncluttered, and well supported by illustrative material; what a story !
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Thank you! This isn’t the first time that I have tried to write up the arguably a non-story of how I didn’t audition for a movie role that I wouldn’t have gotten. Revision is a beautiful thing, as this attempt was much better than my previous attempt. Thank you for the feedback!
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Ehmagerd. To think that no matter which path you would’ve went down, you’d still be a part of my life! If you’re not the amazing blogger you are now, you’d probably be in my consciousness as a famous starlet in a big movie. Trippy. Thanks for sharing, JYP!
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Well, I also could have auditioned and not gotten the part (an extremely likely outcome). I think in many ways, that auditioning and not getting the part would have been better because I wouldn’t have that “what if” unknown. Then again, I recently entered a writing contest, lost, and felt all those rejections feels I probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t entered. Both “what ifs” and rejections are an emotional challenge, I suppose.
Anyway, I am touched. It is so funny to think about what life might have been in a parallel universe!
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Lol I frankly never even entertained the idea of you failing. That’s how much faith I have in you. And that only means you shouldn’t stop solving all of your life’s what ifs.
Possible parallel universes are cool, no? Have you read Midnight Library? It explores exactly that, and was amazing.
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I have not. Thanks for the recommendation!
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JYP, love this blog post. And you can really write. Taking chances has been good for me. Some worked out some didn’t. But, other opportunities popped up. Have you ever thought to write a book, and make your dream come true — the famous actor or singer! I did! My alternate life is in my book, Three Years of Her Life, book launch May 3rd on Amazon. You can conjure up anything in a memoir. Mine is a historical fiction/ nurse/doctor romance (secondary story). Go for it yourself. 📚🎶 Christine
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Thanks! I appreciate the feedback. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to write about this experience (I attempted off-WordPress) but it is definitely more successful than my previous attempt(s) [yay for revision!] I’m actually a blogger/poet trying to transition to writing a totally fictional novel. I’ve written one chapter thus far. I’ll keep an eye out for your book.
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Thanks, JVP. Awesome, you’ve started a book! I started out writing poetry and turned to writing, blog & the first novel. Tell us more about your book. What you are writing about, etc. You definitely have an engaging writing style. A natural talent. 📚🎶 Christine
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The novel plays with the idea of what it means to be a good person and what happens when the hero winds up doing something terrible.
What is your book about? I’d love to hear more about how you made the transition from poetry to writing a novel!
And thank you. This blog was something I wanted to do for a while and then finally started during the pandemic because I wasn’t interested in making sourdough bread as my pandemic activity (I should mention here that I am largely incompetent in the kitchen)
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Your idea for a novel is a good one. It has intrigue. My book —Three Years of Her Life, a debut novel, rides the line between historical fiction and romance. Inspired by a famous musician’s early 1900s hidden life in Germany, his granddaughter stands up for him, in spite of the family’s disbelief. (family of Jew haters. Grandmother idolized Hitler). (Main character, a nurse, falls in love with a Jewish doctor. Lots of tension & conflict 📚🎶 Christine
It was a natural transition from poetry to fiction writing. I co-authored 2 books (unpublished), and both people died. Then, I started my own book. So, I had a lot of writing experience. And I got a Copyediting certificate to help me be a better writer. I also had the first draft professionally edited. The second draft was professionally edited, proofread and formatted. Also, a cover designer created the cover. Good to go for publishing on Amazon, May 3rd —eBook & paperback version. Just keep writing, a read authors you like. Before you know it, you’ll have a first draft done. Let me know how you are doing. 📚🎶 Christine
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Your novel sounds intriguing. Was it difficult researching for the historical fiction? I will need to do some research for my own novel and it feels a bit daunting. Very exciting about your book launch date!
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It was actually interesting to do the research. Of course, I found a lot of info that I had to read through for just one or two facts. But, in the end, it was time well spent. When you get to do the research, I can help if you need it. Just would need your questions of what you wanted to find out. 📚🎶 Christine
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[…] a celebrity. I’m not a celebrity (although not for lack of want) so probably […]
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