News Update: Below-The-Belt Humor Edition [NSFW]

The news is serious and distressing. However, for my news update posts, I like to look at the offbeat news stories of lesser importance that get overshadowed by the serious stories. In times like these, sometimes, we just need to laugh at bathroom humor and celebrate important moments in STD prevention.

If this doesn’t improve your Monday morning, I don’t know what will! Image by Judy Graham from Pixabay

Some content may be NSFW. Except where indicated, bolding in the quotes is mine.

1) Michigan profs push ‘pee for peonies’ urine diversion plan

“Pee for peonies” sounds like either 1) an activist campaign or 2) a children’s alphabet and/or potty-training book. “Urine diversion plan” just sounds suspicious. Anyway, this is an article about a urine-based fertilizer research project. You can tell the author of this article had way too much fun writing this.

A pair of University of Michigan researchers are putting the “pee” in peony.

Rather, they’re putting pee ON peonies.

https://apnews.com/article/science-sports-michigan-flowers-ann-arbor-0429300defa54cbade3d73c294d47e4b

And this gem:

[Professor] Love said collecting human urine and using it to create renewable fertilizers — as part of what she calls the “circular economy of nutrients” — will lead to greater environmental sustainability.

Think of it not so much as recycling, but “pee-cycling,” [Professor] Wigginton said.

https://apnews.com/article/science-sports-michigan-flowers-ann-arbor-0429300defa54cbade3d73c294d47e4b

Of course, there are pitfalls to amusing slogans:

One important lesson they learned is about the precision of language.

“We have used the term, ‘pee on the peonies.’ And then it grabs people’s attention and then we can talk to them about nutrient flows and nutrient efficiency in our communities and how to be more sustainable,” Love said. “It turns out some people thought that that was permission to drop their drawers and pee on the peonies.

“So, this year, we’re going to use ‘pee for the peonies’ and hope that we don’t have that confusion.”

https://apnews.com/article/science-sports-michigan-flowers-ann-arbor-0429300defa54cbade3d73c294d47e4b

I feel like this confusion was really predictable. Who wouldn’t interpret “pee on the peonies” as “whip out your ‘garden hose'”? I would and I don’t even have a “garden hose”. However, the urine for these fertilizers needs to be collected in a special split toilet and then treated before it is made into fertilizer, so put your garden hose away.

This confusion was completely predictable. Photo by Delia Giandeini on Unsplash. On another note (related to dripping hoses), if you need a laugh, check out this classic Cake Wrecks post!

The article concludes:

“The whole idea is cycling within a community, so moving toward that we want to take urine from this community and apply it within this community,” Wigginton said.

https://apnews.com/article/science-sports-michigan-flowers-ann-arbor-0429300defa54cbade3d73c294d47e4b

This has to be the strangest application of “support your local community”.

2) Children without diapers sleep poorly, says study

Children whose parents cannot afford diapers do not get quality sleep, according to a study by the Rutgers School of Nursing.

The study, published in the Journal of Developmental Behavioral Pediatrics, is the first to examine the relationship between diaper need and sleep.

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2022-05-children-diapers-poorly.html?utm_source=syndication

Parents of WordPress – correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the primary purpose of diapers less to ensure that children get quality sleep and more to ensure parents don’t get nasty surprises necessitating extra laundry? Did any parent think the natural consequence of insufficient diapers was NBD, and only now after reading this study about the impact to child sleep quality, heaven forbid?

The article only briefly touches on the impact of diaper need on parents:

“Diaper need is associated with an increased incidence of irritated skin and urinary tract infections. It is also related to increased maternal mental health symptoms.“

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2022-05-children-diapers-poorly.html?utm_source=syndication

No shit*. You needed a study to tell you that?

*Or rather, lots of shit. Sorry.

If this child doesn’t have a diaper, the child won’t be the only upset household member. Photo by Katie Smith on Unsplash

3) L.A. Affairs: Dating a man who won’t eat your cookies is a recipe for disaster

This is a bad headline because aside from the “recipe for disaster” cliché, I could not stop thinking about the author’s cookie jar. However, this is a reflection piece about homemade cookies, not cunnilingus. We never find out the titled man’s skills on that subject, however, we do learn that the author herself is not a cunning linguist. Check out this badly tortured metaphor:

In addition to the typical breakup mirepoix, this split stew included a dash of a dismantled cohabitation; a dollop of a failed engagement; and the juice of a canceled wedding. I was brimming with heartburn, gassy humiliation and regret — the onset of which occurred during our first date.

https://news.yahoo.com/l-affairs-dating-man-wont-140028514.html

Ok, I love metaphor and analogy, and am prone to the overuse of them myself, but gag me. Where is the Pepto-Bismol of comparison-free prose when you need it?

The story is the classic tale of woman-gets-engaged-to-perfect-man-oh-wait-he’s-cheating-suprise-but-foreshadowing. The question of whether your partner needs to eat your home-cooking is an interesting one (tell me your thoughts in the comments) buried under 1000 excess words.

Finally, the author ends with some advice for the readers:

Updated proverb: If you give a man cookies and he treats your treats like unwanted leftovers, he’s signaling his intentions….Your cookies deserve better.

https://news.yahoo.com/l-affairs-dating-man-wont-140028514.html

Are we talking about cookie jars, or are we talking about “cookie jars”? Image by Alberto Adán from Pixabay

4) These panties are cleared by the FDA to protect you from STDs

Speaking of “cookie jars”,

The FDA has cleared underwear made by the brand Lorals as protection against sexual diseases during oral sex, the first approval of its kind for underwear.

The single-use stretchy panties are made of latex and provide a physical protective barrier for users. The brand says its wearers enjoy full sensation, making it superior to existing options on the market, like dental dams. One Lorals wearer told The New York Times that the texture did indeed mimic skin and the product’s vanilla-flavoring tasted “like you’re eating a cookie”.

https://qz.com/2165196/these-panties-are-cleared-by-the-fda-to-protect-you-from-stds/

I didn’t need that visual, Enthusiastic Lorals User, (between this story and the previous story, I may never eat cookies again) but this is certainly great news for non-latex-allergic cunnilingus enthusiasts.

I will close today’s news update with a related, though slightly dated, news story from a few months ago to end on a positive note:

5) FDA approves first condom specifically intended for anal sex

While the One Male Condom is not markedly different from the hundreds of other condoms on the market, it is the first that will be allowed to use the “safe and effective use” label for reducing sexually transmitted infections during anal sex.

https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-health-and-wellness/fda-approves-first-condom-specifically-intended-anal-sex-rcna17593

News you can use! If you’re into that. I know Claudette (Writer of Words) has met some online daters enthusiastic about this “ultimate form of lovemaking” who may find this news of interest.

The brand name of this condom doesn’t make sense though. If you’re one male having sex as just “one male”, do you really need a condom?

Dr. Will DeWitt, clinical director of anal health (gotta love this job title) at the Callen-Lorde Community Health Center in New York City, is also concerned that the product name is confusing:

[DeWitt] is worried the One Male Condom name and marketing could alienate those who engage in anal sex but do not identify as male. 

“Anal sex really does belong to everyone,” DeWitt said. “Even if it’s the perspective of who has to wear the condom, it’s not just male bodies and male identified folks who need to use it.”

https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-health-and-wellness/fda-approves-first-condom-specifically-intended-anal-sex-rcna17593

“Anal sex belongs to everyone” is the kind of saying that needs to go on motivational posters and mugs. Someone with an Etsy store, please make this.

Then again, if you will it, anything can be a motivational anal sex poster. Photo by Skylar Kang from Pexels

By the way, it turns out the brand name is actually ONE Condoms. The company founder explains the confusion on their website (bolding below is by the brand this time):

Our brand is ONE Condoms, not “One Male Condom.” FDA still uses “male condom” as a term, and used that in their press release. So then articles described us as “One Male Condom.” That’s not our name – it’s ONE Condoms. As a brand, we use the term “external condom” instead to be inclusive. Our mission is to be a brand for everyONE. 

https://www.onecondoms.com/pages/one-male

Well that clears things up. I’ll leave you with this closing message from the company founder (bolding is the brand’s):

“We want people to have lots of sex – but we also want them to be empowered and informed. This recognition from the FDA highlights the substantial protection ONE Condoms provide for anal sex, which we hope enhances trust, leads to increased use, and lessens the new cases of sexually transmitted infections,” said Davin Wedel, president and founder of ONE Condoms.

https://www.onecondoms.com/pages/one-male

Bottoms up! 🍻

(I can’t take credit for that one, NY Post said it first)

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Happy Monday!