Gratitude [and Life Update (sort of*)]

A home is, at its core, a shelter. Really, if one has a place to live where one can eat, sleep, and stay, with controlled ambient, temperature, electricity, running water, relative safety, and that one can afford to live in, one ought be grateful.

But a home is more than just a shelter. It is a sanctuary. And more than that, a place of dreams. Beyond the petty inconveniences of non-luxury apartment complex living – the lawn mower at 8 AM Monday morning, the noisy air conditioner, the inconsiderate neighbors, the busted pipes, and most recently, the boiler issue resulting in no hot water for a week and being forced to make an hour round trip to the gym to take a shower – I have dreams that simply do not fit in a crappy one-bedroom apartment.

The housing search is fraught. Sellers who were smart enough (or lucky enough) to buy in a better market and resell dreams to the unlucky and desperate at a premium. Rentals equally overpriced and/or non-existent. Marriage is fraught. The endless arguments heated discussions over important rational factors and stupid emotional anxieties and what-ifs.

I’m aware of summer ending and autumn beginning. Soon it will be High Holidays and soon enough, winter. Our wedding anniversary is in the winter. I ought be grateful, and I am. Yet the thought of having spent yet another year of marriage in this apartment makes me want to puke**.

If by this winter

We’re still in this shitty flat,

I’ll fucking lose it.

Photo by Madalyn Cox on Unsplash




*Yeah, this is really more of a non-update. Sorry for the tease.

**Please don’t post barfing emojis in the comments. They freak me out.


  1. Unfortunately inconsiderate neighbors, lawn mowers, and leaf blowers at 8 am seem to be ubiquitous. I have those issues in paradise with a good sized piece of property as a sort of buffer. But I know where you are coming from. The three of us lived in a studio apartment in Madrid, Spain for a year and half before we moved into a 2 bedroom apartment. The studio had it’s issues, especially the 24/7 construction of a new Metro Stop a half block from the apartment. But the neighbors were cool. The 3 bedroom apartment had construction of a park going on, which was quiet compared to a metro stop, but we had a neighbor from hell. Yes a home is a sanctuary, and it’s best when there is enough room for the two of you. There are benefits of ownership that usually far outweigh renting. I hope you find a new place where you can celebrate your anniversary in a warm and happier home.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. How true that a home should be a place to grow your dreams. We are fortunate to have a home, but we have very inconsiderate neighbours as well as a recently repaired foundation nightmare that has changed the course of retirement. Housing is definitely an issue right now and I empathize with you completely. I hope you find your sanctuary soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree darkly amusing. I’m sorry about your situation. I know the housing market has been insane for the past couple years, and that includes rentals, too. I’ve heard stories from people who are looking of buyers showing up offering to pay cash well above the asking price. Good luck! I hope you’re able to find something soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s a similar situation here in the UK. Years ago, when my husband left, I was evicted from the flat I paid the rent for and had to find somewhere with my four-year-old daughter. I was lucky to find a reliable housing association. The problem is that these days hardly any social housing is being built. Covid didn’t help. I sincerely hope that you find somewhere else soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We recently sold a house and moved into an apartment. But we did make a profit on the house because of the crazy sellers’ market. The apartment is a nice old bank building conversion with 33 stories, and, roughly speaking, slightly upscale. The apartment itself is huge–bigger than the house, pretty much, but even then . . . it’s still an apartment and I can’t control the integrity of the upstairs neighbors’ plumbing or the schedule of the guys working on the building right next door (they start at 6:50 a.m., give or take.)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sometimes nothing will fix something except prayer. That’s the only reason I have a wedding date set. I would literally cry myself to sleep because I just couldn’t get myself to take the steps to do it. We even met with a priest last year at a different church and then I did zero follow up. It seemed like everything in my life had always been decided for me, and now that I had to take the step myself, I couldn’t. And my fiance just lives in the moment and can’t plan anything besides what he’s going to eat for dinner. I just started praying and praying for the Holy Family to help me and to plan it for me because I couldn’t do it and I couldn’t count on him to do it. (I don’t mean that in a bad way–he just really lives in the moment like a kid.) Somehow it came about that I emailed the rector of the church I go to now, my fiance randomly said a certain date popped into his head which turned out to be a Saturday, and then there you go, a wedding date set without my doing. Not long ago I was flipping back through my diary from this year and on the month/day of our wedding date I wrote that I’d probably plan my own funeral before my wedding. The Hebrew scriptures are full of people harassing God through prayer to help them out and there were many miracles. Let him do the work of finding you a place.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, it’s not *just* a house though. I also have to fall in love with the Jewish community and be within the eruv and walking distance to the shul I would want to go to. (To be honest, neither myself nor my husband are 100% Shomer Shabbat at present, but Husband won’t drive and we are thinking to transition back to more Shabbat observance at some point.)


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