September is one of the most popular months for weddings. I’m about to get my hair and makeup done with the other bridesmaids when I get the email notifying me that you killed yourself.
I swallow my feelings and compartmentalize. What choice do I have? It is my sister’s wedding. I am overflowing with joy and happiness, and simultaneously, I am completely devastated. But I make my face reflect the happiness of the surroundings and not my tumultuous emotions. Besides, I am happy.
Our mutual friends are very understanding when I say I can’t send the email notice to the congregation or attend the funeral, which is scheduled for later today in accordance with Jewish custom to hold the funeral as soon as possible. “It’s a mitzvah (commandment) to go to a wedding over a funeral,” one friend says. “It’s what she would have wanted.”
September wedding:
I dance. You have killed yourself.
Who knows what you’d want?
***
Quick recap (that doesn’t do justice) of an event that happened over three years ago for dVerse, Poets and Storytellers United, and The Sunday Muse. For the full story, read the six-part series I wrote last year: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.
Jewish Young Professional 
Happy and sad. Sweet and sour. Life and death. They rarely add up.
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Yeah, life is very complicated in that way
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I love your recap (not to diminish its sadness; I think I love its authenticity) – and I also went back and read the whole story.
I don’t have any photos of the two friends of mine who suicided at different times. But I have very vivid images of each of them in my mind, even decades later.
Would you believe, I just started writing a series of poems and bits of prose to one of those friends, with the overall working title ‘Letters to a Dead Man’.
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Thank you, and thank you also for going back and reading the whole story. The original 6 part letter took a good two years before I could articulate any of it.
I’m sorry about the loss of your friends to suicide. I think the letter format makes a lot of sense – all the prose and poetry that you want to say directly to that person. I hope your “Letters to a Dead Man” project brings you peace
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Those who prattle what the dead would’ve wanted only seek to guilt manipulate others into their selfish choice. I haven’t read the entire story as yet but I’m sure you’ll do or did what was best.
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I agree with you. I think this friend genuinely meant well and was trying to make me feel better about missing the funeral. And from a Jewish law perspective, I believe he was correct about doing a mitzvah. But the “it’s what she would have wanted” language just didn’t sit well with me
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Never a right decision at times like that. I think you made a wise choice under the circumstances.
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It also felt like the only choice at the time. I mean, who leaves their sister’s wedding? I didn’t even want to leave – I wanted to celebrate the wedding. But it was a very weird experience to get the news that day
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It would be a weird experience and something you had no control over. Horrible feeling, even if you had nothing to do with the timing of either event.
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It was a very strange experience and not easy to process. Hence the 6 part post series two years after the fact.
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I feel really uncomfortable with the whole “It’s what they would have wanted” approach.
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Yeah I thought it was weird too. I get that the friend was telling me it was a mitzvah to be at a wedding in order to make me feel better (which, idk if it really did) but even if that hadn’t been the case, and even if we somehow knew that actually, my deceased friend would have wanted everyone to move heaven and earth to attend the funeral, it’s not like I could have or would have left my sibling’s wedding
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This is chilling ….. hope with all my might, it is fiction.
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Oh dear, I traveled up your post and realize it’s non-fiction.
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I appreciate your feedback on the piece and your sentiment. Sadly, this poem is not fiction. Three years later, I have come to more of a sense of closure although it is hard to fully accept.
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Wow. Such stark contrasts
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It was such an odd experience of extremes
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I am so sorry you went through this. 💙💔
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Thank you Carrie
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that haiku is so stark. 😦
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I think the economy of syllables makes the haiku even more harsh.
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Such a harsh conundrum, so sorry.
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It was a strange experience of contrasts
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Paradoxes deftly conveyed, JYP.
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Thank you. Life is full of such paradoxes
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It’s sad how your sister’s anniversary will always coincide with the date of your friend’s death, always bringing up the question of whether you did the right thing or not. I’m torn on whether it’s acceptable or rude to say “it’s what they would have wanted.” I have used the phrase myself when there was someone I knew who refused to do anything or go anywhere they liked because a loved one had passed, and I said that they would not want to see you rotting away. On the other hand, with events and arrangements, how can we actually know what someone wanted?
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I resolved the shared date aspect for myself by making the date that I focus on my friend’s memory her birthday instead so it’s not the same. Oddly, my grandfather died on my Jewish calendar birthday some years ago, actually, so while there’s a religious imperative for my mom to say certain prayers on the anniversary of his death, I personally prefer to use his birthday as the day to really focus on his memory. And I don’t think of it in a super sad way on their birthday, just more reflective. I feel like I’m not articulating this well.
I think with the “it’s what they would have wanted’, so much of this is context – it all depends on what the relationship is and what the “want” is and so on. It didn’t sit right with me in this instance, but I could see where it could be comforting to someone else in a different context.
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There’s only so many days in a year, I guess–stuff is bound to coincide.
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I am so sorry you had to go through this. What a contrast of happy and sad.
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Thank you. It was a really odd experience to process. I couldn’t even write that long 6 part reflection till two years after her suicide.
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Interesting custom when The Preacher said “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting”…
My (Christian) family would say that sisters come ahead of friends, though.
What a grotesque situation!
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Interesting. I’ll take my friend who said it’s a mitzvah to go to a wedding over a funeral at face value; it’s interesting that your faith tradition says otherwise.
It was a strange and emotionally-complex situation, for sure.
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The Preacher = Koheleth or Ecclesiastes, so I was thinking that would’ve set the Jewish tradition. Interesting how these things change over time.
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I just saw something weird on this page, as well. I put in my e-mail and WordPress filled in a different name and web site. Is Dorahak someone you know, such that WP fills in her information, or is a hacking going on? If anybody gets messages that refer back to Dorahak, they did not come from me.
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I do know a blogger Dorahak, but your comment shows as coming from Priscilla King. WP is so strange sometimes.
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Yes, I deleted Dorahak’s name and typed in mine. It was just a surprise to see her name showing up on my computer. Good to know she’s another human! Cheers!
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[…] couldn’t. So just like I did the day of Joyce’s suicide on the same day as my sister’s wedding, I compartmentalized. I had to. I drank a lot of wine at Shabbat dinner. And honestly, I had a […]
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