The title is a reference to my previous posts on the saga of looking for a suitable community/house, with lots of tortured metaphors. It’s been a while since I gave an update: TL;DR: we haven’t moved yet.
The issue isn’t even really the housing market. It’s that Husband and I fundamentally disagree on what an ideal Jewish community looks like. We fundamentally disagree on what the future will realistically hold. We fundamentally disagree on the amount of flexibility to trade for stability.
If you can’t tell, it wasn’t a great Shabbat. [It actually started off pretty well, and it could have remained a pleasant Shabbat. But then I grew tired of having to keep the peace and I started the argument.]
I’m not looking forward to Sukkot. In general, it’s a holiday I feel neutral about. I don’t inherently love it (although some years have been surprisingly quite nice), but I don’t hate it. This year I am dreading it. The irony of Sukkot is that on the one hand, you’re supposed to be dwelling in these humble temporary huts, but at the same time, nothing quite drives home the reality of a shitty living situation like not being able have a sukkah because you don’t have a yard or a patio or a balcony. Or you have an asshole landlord. Point is, you need a decent living situation to be able to have a sukkah that you pretend to live in for the week.
I could make plans to eat meals with friends who have sukkahs, but I don’t want to. Doing this means explaining why we still live here. Honestly, I’d rather skip the holiday entirely than have to have this conversation again, especially when it’s been yet another year.
It became obvious during today’s argument that by the time we reach our next wedding anniversary, we still won’t have a house, and we won’t be any closer towards children. Granted, our anniversary is as meaningless a milestone as any other random-ass date for goal-setting, but knowing that we’ll reach another year of marriage with nothing to show for it infuriates me.
I’m tired, I have a headache, and I’m still upset from the argument from hours ago that I practically choreographed.
I hate rant posts. This one’s not even funny or entertaining.