Maybe All The Ponds Suck

The title is a reference to my previous posts on the saga of looking for a suitable community/house, with lots of tortured metaphors. It’s been a while since I gave an update: TL;DR: we haven’t moved yet.

The issue isn’t even really the housing market. It’s that Husband and I fundamentally disagree on what an ideal Jewish community looks like. We fundamentally disagree on what the future will realistically hold. We fundamentally disagree on the amount of flexibility to trade for stability.

If you can’t tell, it wasn’t a great Shabbat. [It actually started off pretty well, and it could have remained a pleasant Shabbat. But then I grew tired of having to keep the peace and I started the argument.]

I’m not looking forward to Sukkot. In general, it’s a holiday I feel neutral about. I don’t inherently love it (although some years have been surprisingly quite nice), but I don’t hate it. This year I am dreading it. The irony of Sukkot is that on the one hand, you’re supposed to be dwelling in these humble temporary huts, but at the same time, nothing quite drives home the reality of a shitty living situation like not being able have a sukkah because you don’t have a yard or a patio or a balcony. Or you have an asshole landlord. Point is, you need a decent living situation to be able to have a sukkah that you pretend to live in for the week.

I could make plans to eat meals with friends who have sukkahs, but I don’t want to. Doing this means explaining why we still live here. Honestly, I’d rather skip the holiday entirely than have to have this conversation again, especially when it’s been yet another year.

It became obvious during today’s argument that by the time we reach our next wedding anniversary, we still won’t have a house, and we won’t be any closer towards children. Granted, our anniversary is as meaningless a milestone as any other random-ass date for goal-setting, but knowing that we’ll reach another year of marriage with nothing to show for it infuriates me.

I’m tired, I have a headache, and I’m still upset from the argument from hours ago that I practically choreographed.

I hate rant posts. This one’s not even funny or entertaining.

38 comments

  1. Ahhh I relate well to your post with a respectful smile. I can now only recall vividly moments like this from times of old. They’re bittersweet knowing they ran their course albeit the relationship and persons involved have expired, I really wish they hadn’t today. They were unappreciative moments back then but now, they’re like lost treasures. Once your angered fueled adrenaline purges, Most assuredly you’ll be back to an even keel in the waters of life.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. It’s hard to tell but you sound deeply frustrated with yourself, your situation,and your husband
    I started writing some advice, from my position of old married woman, but I don’t think that’s what you want or need. Just remember you married you husband because you love him. Not the house or the neighbours or the community. He loves you. And children. Yes. Wonderful. But they don’t always happen. And often not if you try too hard. I know. I wish you all the very best and peace of heart

    Liked by 4 people

  3. This post hits me personally especially bin regards to a house. Unfortunately for me 12 years later my wife tells me she doesn’t want a house, unless we rent one. Honestly, I make more money than her but the down payment would have to be a joint effort, because I can’t do it all on my own 🫤 Unlike you we at least have a balcony, but I hate this apartment. It’s also painful when people half my age at my job are buying houses and I’m stuck here. I realize you are dealing with far more issues (community/lack of children). 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You shouldn’t fear change. Stepping stones don’t always head exactly in the direction you want to go anyway, but if you just stand there, your feet will get wet. Talk about tortured metaphors. I wish you luck and the knowledge that you’re not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. My fiance and I are so lazy, we’d just leave the sukkah up year long, like our Christmas tree that’s going on two years soon. Sorry you feel you don’t have anything to show for your wedding anniversary. Even just making a choice to do something or say a prayer for him might help you feel better.

    Liked by 2 people

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