The title is a reference to my previous posts on the saga of looking for a suitable community/house, with lots of tortured metaphors. It’s been a while since I gave an update: TL;DR: we haven’t moved yet.
The issue isn’t even really the housing market. It’s that Husband and I fundamentally disagree on what an ideal Jewish community looks like. We fundamentally disagree on what the future will realistically hold. We fundamentally disagree on the amount of flexibility to trade for stability.
If you can’t tell, it wasn’t a great Shabbat. [It actually started off pretty well, and it could have remained a pleasant Shabbat. But then I grew tired of having to keep the peace and I started the argument.]
I’m not looking forward to Sukkot. In general, it’s a holiday I feel neutral about. I don’t inherently love it (although some years have been surprisingly quite nice), but I don’t hate it. This year I am dreading it. The irony of Sukkot is that on the one hand, you’re supposed to be dwelling in these humble temporary huts, but at the same time, nothing quite drives home the reality of a shitty living situation like not being able have a sukkah because you don’t have a yard or a patio or a balcony. Or you have an asshole landlord. Point is, you need a decent living situation to be able to have a sukkah that you pretend to live in for the week.
I could make plans to eat meals with friends who have sukkahs, but I don’t want to. Doing this means explaining why we still live here. Honestly, I’d rather skip the holiday entirely than have to have this conversation again, especially when it’s been yet another year.
It became obvious during today’s argument that by the time we reach our next wedding anniversary, we still won’t have a house, and we won’t be any closer towards children. Granted, our anniversary is as meaningless a milestone as any other random-ass date for goal-setting, but knowing that we’ll reach another year of marriage with nothing to show for it infuriates me.
I’m tired, I have a headache, and I’m still upset from the argument from hours ago that I practically choreographed.
I hate rant posts. This one’s not even funny or entertaining.
Jewish Young Professional 
It sounds like you “need a little time off for bad behavior.” https://youtu.be/PrqALXdmqJU
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Thank you – this was a great pick-me-up!!
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DAC is pretty good at pick-me-songs.
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Hope you feel better in the morning.
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Eh I took some drugs but they haven’t really helped yet. Husband and I are behaving a bit more nicely towards each other, although it’s not like anything has been resolved
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Sometimes, it takes many discussions for change to happen.
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I never know quite how to respond to posts like this, but I read it, and I’m thinking of you.
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This is probably as good a response as any. Thanks
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That sounds so frustrating. I hope you guys can compromise on something…
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It is frustrating. We reached a temporary truce of sorts – probably the best outcome at present
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Ahhh I relate well to your post with a respectful smile. I can now only recall vividly moments like this from times of old. They’re bittersweet knowing they ran their course albeit the relationship and persons involved have expired, I really wish they hadn’t today. They were unappreciative moments back then but now, they’re like lost treasures. Once your angered fueled adrenaline purges, Most assuredly you’ll be back to an even keel in the waters of life.
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I appreciate what you’re saying about having perspective, and coming from the perspective of having lost these past relationships. I think the challenge is that in the moment, it is so hard to have perspective. But you make a good point
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It’s hard to tell but you sound deeply frustrated with yourself, your situation,and your husband
I started writing some advice, from my position of old married woman, but I don’t think that’s what you want or need. Just remember you married you husband because you love him. Not the house or the neighbours or the community. He loves you. And children. Yes. Wonderful. But they don’t always happen. And often not if you try too hard. I know. I wish you all the very best and peace of heart
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lovely comment, Basia
~David
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You got that right – I am deeply frustrated with all of the above.
I appreciate your comment and I do love husband (although at present I am quite mad at him), but I don’t think that discounts other wants. Neither of us got married in order to live in a vacuum – we got married (in a huge wedding, I might add, because we are social, extroverted people and we wanted all that community there) because we wanted to be married and also have families and community connections and so on.
Thank you for the blessings of peace
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I hope things work out for you soon
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Oh well, sometimes all one can do is take some deep breaths and stew for awhile.
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True
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This post hits me personally especially bin regards to a house. Unfortunately for me 12 years later my wife tells me she doesn’t want a house, unless we rent one. Honestly, I make more money than her but the down payment would have to be a joint effort, because I can’t do it all on my own 🫤 Unlike you we at least have a balcony, but I hate this apartment. It’s also painful when people half my age at my job are buying houses and I’m stuck here. I realize you are dealing with far more issues (community/lack of children). 🤗
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Thank you for sharing. It is hard. On the one hand, I get where your wife is coming from in that buying a house is such a huge financial and life commitment. But I also get your frustration at being stuck because it is a decision that has to be made jointly – and it sucks when your spouse vetoes something that’s really important to you. I also totally get the social pressure of everyone around you and younger than you seemingly moving forward. I am sorry you’re in this boat too
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The thing is my wife is 12 years younger, she doesnt want the fibancial commitment.
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Yeah, that’s a considerable difference in mindset
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Stupid difficult ponds…
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They look so pretty from a distance, but then you investigate and realize they’re all full of goose crap.
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I’m sorry to read all this. It’s hard to know what would be helpful to say. I hope you can figure out some way forward soon, whatever that might be.
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Thanks – I don’t know that there is anything helpful to say, really. But appreciate the comment
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You shouldn’t fear change. Stepping stones don’t always head exactly in the direction you want to go anyway, but if you just stand there, your feet will get wet. Talk about tortured metaphors. I wish you luck and the knowledge that you’re not alone.
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Yep. I fear lack of change more than change.
Thank you for continuing to torture my metaphor. Warms my heart
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My fiance and I are so lazy, we’d just leave the sukkah up year long, like our Christmas tree that’s going on two years soon. Sorry you feel you don’t have anything to show for your wedding anniversary. Even just making a choice to do something or say a prayer for him might help you feel better.
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Well, it’s almost Christmas again. You’re just saving time! Honestly, I’m lazy enough that the work of putting up a sukkah doesn’t actually appeal to me Husband would wind up doing 99% of the work while I would pretend to help), but not having one is just sad.
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Can you have a mini one?
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Husbands.. can’t live with them… can’t live without. 💞
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❤️
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❤️
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Hopefully things have improved. Hope you find someplace you both like
Cramped quarters make everything else worse.
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I wish I had better news for you, but to tell the truth, things have not improved and we are no closer to alignment on where to live.
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Hold on tight to hope. It has to get better, right?
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Sigh… I want to believe this, but I don’t see things changing anytime soon.
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