Dumbass News Stories [NSFW]

Inspired by Timothy Price‘s recent big ass birthday, e-Quip‘s donkeys, and election season, the theme of today’s News Update is “Asses, Gases, and Dumbasses” in some order.

Today’s theme: Asses, gases, and dumbasses. Image by Wokandapix from Pixabay

As always, this is lighthearted commentary on the not-so-serious, underreported, not-necessarily-recent stories, not insightful analysis of anything important or relevant. Also, while I don’t think these stories are particularly scandalous relative to other content on this blog, but I’m putting the NSFW tag just in case your workplace is sensitive to nonsexual mentions of “penis”, scorpion lovemaking habits, and linked sexy photos of a “fartrepreneuer”. Unless otherwise indicated, bolding in all quotes is mine.

Let’s start with news about asses:

1) Research into the mating habits of constipated scorpions wins an Ig Nobel Prize

For context, the Ig Nobel Prize is a parody of the Nobel Prize. It’s awarded annually to outlandish discoveries that “first make people laugh, and then make them think.” This year’s Ig Nobel Prize in Biology was awarded for:

…scintillating research into whether constipation affects the mating prospects of scorpions and, if so, how.

When attacked by predators, scorpions can detach part of their tail to aid their escape, the researchers explained during the ceremony. But because the anus is on the tail segment that has been shed, the scorpion cannot “defecate for the rest of its life,” which causes constipation, Machado said. However, the researchers found, despite the scorpions losing part of their digestive tract, they are able to live on and copulate, suggesting constipation is no obstacle to a fulfilling love life.

https://www.cnn.com/2022/09/16/world/ig-nobel-awards-2022-scn-intl-scli/index.html

Constipation won’t stop this sexy scorpion from getting it on with the ladies. Photo by Victoria Akvarel : https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-scorpion-on-woman-s-face-4703178/

In other ass-related Ig Nobel Prize news, the Ig Nobel Art History Prize was awarded to the study “A Multidisciplinary Approach to Ritual Enema Scenes on Ancient Maya Pottery”:

Classic Maya Pottery has various enema scenes. These represent rituals and may indicate that ancient Maya took intoxicating enemas in a ritual context…Some scenes suggest that the ancient Maya took a significant amount of alcoholic beverages rectally. The researchers concluded that an alcoholic liquid may certainly intensify a state of intoxication, when it is administered via the rectal route.

https://news.abplive.com/science/2022-ig-nobel-prize-ice-cream-therapy-constipated-scorpions-blind-dates-the-winning-research-1553931

News you can use? Please don’t actually. Please do not take medical advice from this blog or from Mayan art history researchers.

2) Nigeria seizes donkey penises to be smuggled to Hong Kong

Nigerian officials have seized thousands of donkey penises that were about to be exported to Hong Kong, an official said on Thursday.

https://apnews.com/article/oddities-hong-kong-global-trade-lagos-9aa1a8b599263c3620991571bf91b8fe

It gets even weirder:

Sacks of the donkey male genitals were seized at the international airport in Lagos…The consignment was “falsely declared … as cow male genitals (but) after due examination, my export officers discovered they were donkey male genitals,” said [Sambo Dangaladima, the Nigeria Customs Service area commander]. A total of 16 sacks of the genitals were seized, he said.

https://apnews.com/article/oddities-hong-kong-global-trade-lagos-9aa1a8b599263c3620991571bf91b8fe

Did the smugglers’ think that “cow male genitals” was less suspicious than donkey penises? Dare I ask what “due examination” entailed?

On a serious note, I learned after reading the article that in fact, the export of donkey skins and genitals to countries like China where the donkey skins are used in traditional medicine, is a real problem, and Nigerian lawmakers are working to ban the killing of donkeys and the export of their skins. I can’t snark on this.

Thus, I turn to something we can all snark on – legislative proposals:

Something we can all agree to snark on. Image by Wokandapix from Pixabay

3) New Zealand Proposes Taxing Cow Burps

New Zealand’s government on Tuesday proposed taxing the greenhouse gasses that farm animals make from burping and peeing as part of a plan to tackle climate change….There are just 5 million people in New Zealand but some 10 million beef and dairy cattle and 26 million sheep.

https://apnews.com/article/business-new-zealand-animals-emissions-reduction-climate-and-environment-6f8847bc10ecdd0ba4d5c23bdab5617d

Ok, I know I said the theme was “dumbass”, but I have to admit that this policy has a certain brilliance to it. If you need to make up a shortfall in the national budget, you need to raise taxes or find more taxpayers. (Or cut spending, but let’s be realistic). How do you find more taxpayers? Tax the cows!

A group of taxpayers. Photo by Daniel Quiceno M on Unsplash

Of course, since cows don’t actually pay taxes, New Zealand farmers are pissed:

[Federated Farmers President Andrew Hoggard] said farmers would be selling their farms “so fast you won’t even hear the dogs barking on the back of the ute (pickup truck) as they drive off.”

https://apnews.com/article/business-new-zealand-animals-emissions-reduction-climate-and-environment-6f8847bc10ecdd0ba4d5c23bdab5617d

Additionally:

Opposition lawmakers from the conservative ACT Party said the plan would actually increase worldwide emissions by moving farming to other countries that were less efficient at making food.

https://apnews.com/article/business-new-zealand-animals-emissions-reduction-climate-and-environment-6f8847bc10ecdd0ba4d5c23bdab5617d

Gotta love it when government policy achieves the exact opposite of what it purports to do. Because that never happens (sarcasm). The article’s author notes that a similar proposal was suggested in 2003. Spoiler alert – it was unsuccessful:

Farmers back then also vehemently opposed the idea, and political opponents ridiculed it as a “fart tax” — although a “burp tax” would have been more technically accurate as most of the methane emissions come from belching.

https://apnews.com/article/business-new-zealand-animals-emissions-reduction-climate-and-environment-6f8847bc10ecdd0ba4d5c23bdab5617d

I feel like the author of this article had too much fun writing the line I bolded. Anyway, as we learn from Kohelet (Ecclesiastes), there is nothing new under the sun or in government policy; everything is recycled bullshit. Ok, I made part of that up. I just needed a segue to the next news story of snarkable government dumbassery:

4) California Gov. Newsom threatens to flush San Francisco’s $1.7 million toilet

San Francisco’s three-year plan to build a single public toilet for $1.7 million could be going down the drain as California Gov. Gavin Newsom is threatening to withhold the funds until the city figures out a more efficient way to use the money.

https://www.foxnews.com/politics/california-gov-newsom-threatens-flush-san-franciscos-1-7-million-toilet

Ashley (RIP) once commented on one of my pointless repetitive rants re: living situation, that the average house price was 1 million USD; it turns out the average toilet price in San Francisco (when built by the San Francisco Recreation and Parks Department) is 1.7 million USD.

And you thought the housing crisis was bad. Image by Peter H from Pixabay

The toilet’s sky-high cost was met with outcry last week, prompting California Assemblyman Matt Haney to cancel an event celebrating the new bathroom in the Noe Valley Town Square.

https://www.foxnews.com/politics/california-gov-newsom-threatens-flush-san-franciscos-1-7-million-toilet

I’m very much an “any excuse to party” person, but I have to say, a celebration for a new public toilet is a new one. If the toilet costs $1.7 million, dare I ask how much the party costs? What does one even do for a new public toilet celebration event? Please tell me they were planning to have toilet-shaped cakes like these.

The San Francisco Recreation and Parks Department explained what’s driving the cost:

…the price is due to high construction costs as well as the “cost of planning, drawing, permits, reviews, public outreach and construction management.”

https://www.foxnews.com/politics/california-gov-newsom-threatens-flush-san-franciscos-1-7-million-toilet

What’s “public outreach”? Signs on how to use a toilet? (To be honest, there are a lot of disgusting people out there – this could be unfortunately necessary.) Celebratory toilet-shaped cakes for the party? So many questions…

Our last story is a combination of all things asses, gases, and dumbasses:

5) ‘90 Day Fiancé’ star retires from selling farts after heart attack scare

Hat tip to Timothy Price for finding this one:

Stephanie Matto who appeared on “90 Day Fiancé” launched a business selling her jarred farts, and made over $200,000, but had to quit after she experienced gas pains so bad she thought she was having a heart attack.

https://nypost.com/2022/01/04/tv-star-stephanie-matto-stops-selling-farts-after-health-scare/

There are too many priceless lines in this article and a previous NY Post article on how Matto started her natural gas manufacturing business to quote them all. I do like this line from Matto on her retirement from the fart jar business:

“I think my family is relieved [about my retirement], and honestly so is my colon.”

https://nypost.com/2022/01/04/tv-star-stephanie-matto-stops-selling-farts-after-health-scare/

That makes sense. I’m sure that someone on a steady diet of yogurt, beans, and protein shakes is a joy to live with.

Anyway, I think there are three life lessons we can learn from this news story:

1. You can sell anything if you are really hot.
2. Your colon doesn’t care about your sexy business ventures.
3. Family over fart business.

Family over fart jars. If that’s not the heartwarming message we need on a Monday, I don’t know what is. Photo by August de Richelieu: https://www.pexels.com/photo/family-gathering-for-a-group-hug-4262424/

Happy Monday!