First, a disclaimer: I am writing this post kinda drunk (I started drafting it earlier sober), so if it is complete gibberish, please disregard. If it isn’t gibberish, thank autocorrect. autocorrect is a beautiful thing. Did you know that gibberish is spelled with a “g”? Drunk (and ok, sober too) JYP totally thought it was spelled with a “j”.
A house I wanted sold.
Husband suggested another one in a different location. The house itself was fine, but because Husband and I have such wildly different opinions on what makes a good place to live, I almost reflexively hated the idea of living there. The minute Husband likes a community, I know I will dislike it. What Husband likes in a community I dislike and vice versa. I need his buy-in because buying a house is a joint decision. And yet, I don’t trust any of his preferences.
We’re going to end up dying in this apartment. I’m extremely unhappy about this (heck, I am furious that we’re still going to be living here for another year of marriage/Passover/Husband turning 40 at this rate…) but I just know it.
One of my siblings was an asshole to me recently. I didn’t confront Said Sibling. The friend I told and Woman At Karaoke* I semi-drunk recounted the Asshole incident to were all like “Don’t take this bullshit from Sibling – Confront Sibling”. I have mixed feelings on this. I question whether conversation will actually solve anything. Also, Sibling is a jerk, but I still love Sibling. Also, a conversation with Sibling on the subject will inevitably end up in Territory That Husband Will Kill Me For Sharing. (Husband won’t really kill me. He will be extremely mad though. It is annoying managing everyone’s emotions). Conversation with Sibling about Jerk Behavior seems not worth it.
*Side Note: Woman At Karaoke is someone who once upon a time sexually harassed/molested (I honestly don’t know what’s the accurate terminology here and I am not interested in going into detail) me. But tonight we were like besties and I wasn’t slightly afraid of her like I’ve been in the past. It’s been awhile. Time is weird. Also, I don’t really feel anything about the whatever the fuck you call it incident now.
Karaoke was kind of shit and kind of good, btw. I sing the one song I’ve done forever and it sounds great and everyone loves it, and then I try something new-ish and I sound awful. Worse than awful. Veeeeeery bad.
Another side note: Although my looks are extremely lackluster, I used to think that, should my marriage implode (totally possible, although not a goal), I’d have no trouble getting a date (a serious relationship with someone I could actually trust is another matter…) because I am actually a surprisingly good flirt. Not that I was trying to flirt (honest to G-d, I wasn’t), but no one was the slightest bit interested. Not even the Woman Who Already Crossed My Boundaries (oh, that’s the terminology).
I’m straight, btw. 80% straight still = straight. Anyway I would neverfkirt with or date a woman even if I wasn’t straight and wasn’t married. Women notice every little thing and are super -judgemental; men are too oblivious and self-absorbed to notice anything.
It doesn’t matter. All of the above-mentioned aside, I love Husband. We are absurdly compatible and no one else would come even remotely close. And even though I don’t trust husband’s preferences/opinions/optimism, I do trust him not to do anything really bad. He’s honest and transparent as anything. And I’m an incompetent idiot – if he was going to manipulate me or fuck me over in some way, he could have and would have done it way earlier. He’s a good man.
I’m still not looking forward to our anniversary though. Trying to plan a trip for it, less because I have a need to travel or because being married this long with nothing to show for it should be celebrated (it feels embarrassing. Like unemployment. You don’t celebrate milestones in unemployment), and more because Travel makes you look like Someone To Be Envied and not like Someone Defective Who Has Been Married Too Long And Accomplished Absolutely Nothing. Husband doesn’t even want to travel. I’m dragging him along and I know it.
Autocorrect is really quite wonderful. This post would have a lot more gibberish with a j typos without it – I have been autocorrected as I go It just makes no sense because our marriage makes no freaking sense.