Blah

First, a disclaimer: I am writing this post kinda drunk (I started drafting it earlier sober), so if it is complete gibberish, please disregard. If it isn’t gibberish, thank autocorrect. autocorrect is a beautiful thing. Did you know that gibberish is spelled with a “g”? Drunk (and ok, sober too) JYP totally thought it was spelled with a “j”.

***

A house I wanted sold.

Not my house.

Husband suggested another one in a different location. The house itself was fine, but because Husband and I have such wildly different opinions on what makes a good place to live, I almost reflexively hated the idea of living there. The minute Husband likes a community, I know I will dislike it. What Husband likes in a community I dislike and vice versa. I need his buy-in because buying a house is a joint decision. And yet, I don’t trust any of his preferences.

We’re going to end up dying in this apartment. I’m extremely unhappy about this (heck, I am furious that we’re still going to be living here for another year of marriage/Passover/Husband turning 40 at this rate…) but I just know it.

***

One of my siblings was an asshole to me recently. I didn’t confront Said Sibling. The friend I told and Woman At Karaoke* I semi-drunk recounted the Asshole incident to were all like “Don’t take this bullshit from Sibling – Confront Sibling”. I have mixed feelings on this. I question whether conversation will actually solve anything. Also, Sibling is a jerk, but I still love Sibling. Also, a conversation with Sibling on the subject will inevitably end up in Territory That Husband Will Kill Me For Sharing. (Husband won’t really kill me. He will be extremely mad though. It is annoying managing everyone’s emotions). Conversation with Sibling about Jerk Behavior seems not worth it.

*Side Note: Woman At Karaoke is someone who once upon a time sexually harassed/molested (I honestly don’t know what’s the accurate terminology here and I am not interested in going into detail) me. But tonight we were like besties and I wasn’t slightly afraid of her like I’ve been in the past. It’s been awhile. Time is weird. Also, I don’t really feel anything about the whatever the fuck you call it incident now.

***

Karaoke was kind of shit and kind of good, btw. I sing the one song I’ve done forever and it sounds great and everyone loves it, and then I try something new-ish and I sound awful. Worse than awful. Veeeeeery bad.

Another side note: Although my looks are extremely lackluster, I used to think that, should my marriage implode (totally possible, although not a goal), I’d have no trouble getting a date (a serious relationship with someone I could actually trust is another matter…) because I am actually a surprisingly good flirt. Not that I was trying to flirt (honest to G-d, I wasn’t), but no one was the slightest bit interested. Not even the Woman Who Already Crossed My Boundaries (oh, that’s the terminology).

I’m straight, btw. 80% straight still = straight. Anyway I would neverfkirt with or date a woman even if I wasn’t straight and wasn’t married. Women notice every little thing and are super -judgemental; men are too oblivious and self-absorbed to notice anything.

***

It doesn’t matter. All of the above-mentioned aside, I love Husband. We are absurdly compatible and no one else would come even remotely close. And even though I don’t trust husband’s preferences/opinions/optimism, I do trust him not to do anything really bad. He’s honest and transparent as anything. And I’m an incompetent idiot – if he was going to manipulate me or fuck me over in some way, he could have and would have done it way earlier. He’s a good man.

I’m still not looking forward to our anniversary though. Trying to plan a trip for it, less because I have a need to travel or because being married this long with nothing to show for it should be celebrated (it feels embarrassing. Like unemployment. You don’t celebrate milestones in unemployment), and more because Travel makes you look like Someone To Be Envied and not like Someone Defective Who Has Been Married Too Long And Accomplished Absolutely Nothing. Husband doesn’t even want to travel. I’m dragging him along and I know it.

***

Autocorrect is really quite wonderful. This post would have a lot more gibberish with a j typos without it – I have been autocorrected as I go It just makes no sense because our marriage makes no freaking sense.

A stick photo that came up when I searched for “nonsense* – I don’t get it either

51 comments

  1. I think we’ve all been there!! 😮

    I’m jealous that you’re a good flirt. I’m the exact opposite. It’s cringeworthy! 😮

    A very relatable blog post! 😮 I suddenly want to burst into song. Hit “Separate Ways” by Journey and let me rock.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You do make your blah quite entertaining. Sorry your house sold. I hope you can find a house that is in the middle of both of your expectations that you can live with.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This must be your saddest post so far. Why do you need to have something to show for your marriage. The important thing is that you are together, you obviously love each other and appreciate each other and your various foibles and idiosyncrasies. You will find somewhere you both like eventually. My husband and I were talking about this recently. After 44 years of marriage neither of us has what we individually wanted. Not style of house of decor or even place. But what we do have we both like. We discuss a lot. But we make most decisions together. It works. And surely you can both find people you like and get on with in most communities. They may not be the sorts of people you imagine you will like. But give them a chance. Scratch under the surface and most people have something good to offer

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Stream of consciousness (although sober) comment/response:
    Your house saga has been ongoing, it seems like. Do both/either of you really want one? Someone said your wants are your hell. What does owning a house mean to you? I know in my lifetime I spent a lot of time and a ton of money working to look like I doing what I was supposed to be doing. I live in an apartment now and I love it. I actually lost friends who, it seems, could not agree with me enough to even be polite about it when I moved from the Trump demographic out in the ‘burbs to live downtown. Which I now regard as an unexpected bonus.
    It’s a big apartment, by the way. And the Millennials we know in the building affectionately call us the “power couple.” Or maybe it’s sarcastically. Again, don’t care. We’re cute as hell.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re not wrong in that owning a home is a ton of maintenance, work, and expense. Neither of us is philosophically opposed to renting, and it’s true that renting has its advantages. The problem is that the current space is completely unworkable. Given the geographic location(s) of interest, buying a home is probably the best option, although yes, we’ve also looked at buying condos, townhouses, and or finding a better rental. Not necessarily against those ideas, but the options for that in these locations are limited and come with their own drawbacks.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You and I are in completely and almost opposite life stages, and each has its own solutions. There are so many variables, and the issue with two people with even slightly different philosophies magnifies that, I can see. Even the eventual solution will have several facets and compromises and attitude readjustments. But that’s life I guess. You will make it!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I am sorry that your house fell through. I can’t stand going open houses. I don’t want to see corn in the sink, cat hair, or any remains of who lives there.
    Now, I am married into a family of very out-of-tune singers who love to sing. So, Karaoke for me is hell on earth.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Note to self: don’t try writing a post while drunk because it’ll never be as good as this one. I kept shaking my head in the affirmative with your sibling story. I have found it’s best to just let sibling issues die on the vine. Talking about them in the hopes of resolving anything has never gone anywhere for me. You’re right: eighty percent of anything makes you that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • You can totally write a post drunk. If you put your mind to it, you can do anything! Keep in mind that there’s a lot of autocorrect and editing here.

      Yeah, I’m with you on sibling issues. Like I said, the two people I talked to were like, “confront Sibling”, as if a) Sibling was going to behave like an apologetic reasonable person who recognizes they’re in the wrong (ha!) and b) that this would actually make a difference (ha!)

      Liked by 1 person

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