Last News Update of 2022: Answers To Questions We Didn’t Know We Had!

The news tends to be even more pointless than usual this time of year, as news outlets collect all the most ridiculous news stories from 2022 and compile them into a round up that is somehow even more idiotic than the original.

Almost as stupid as holding a flaming newspaper up to your face for a stock photo (don’t try this at home!) Photo by Nijwam Swargiary on Unsplash

Fortunately, I am here to spare you! I have scoured the news for months in order to find the rare stories in which the news actually did its job.

[Translation: I started this post months ago and didn’t manage to finish and post it till just now.]

For my last news update post of 2022, I wanted to celebrate the moments when the news went above and beyond the goal of information and education. The moments when the news answered the questions we didn’t know we had.

As always, I cover the light-hearted under-reported news stories, not the serious important ones. Bolding in all quotes is mine unless otherwise noted.

On to life’s great questions! Photo by Leeloo Thefirst: https://www.pexels.com/photo/question-marks-on-paper-crafts-5428836/

1) Remember all the fish that died in California last week? Blame flushing toilets, official says

I already covered a story about San Francisco and toilets, but apparently, San Francisco is experiencing multiple toilet-related problems:

Every time one of the over 7 million people living in the San Francisco Bay Area flushes a toilet, they feed potentially harmful red algae in the bay and its estuaries. The issue came to a head last month when images and videos of thousands of fish floating belly up in Oakland, California’s Lake Merritt, made national news.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/remember-all-the-fish-that-died-in-california-last-week-blame-flushing-toilets-official-says/ar-AA11K9zA?ocid=msedgntp&cvid=8aec10646bec473bc0f5365f107607df

The resulting red algae bloom caused other awful effects:

A heat wave then compounded the issue by hastening the fish rot. Neighbors told KTVU FOX 2 that the stench was unbearable, and the city rushed to clear out 10,000 dead fish before the long, Labor Day weekend.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/remember-all-the-fish-that-died-in-california-last-week-blame-flushing-toilets-official-says/ar-AA11K9zA?ocid=msedgntp&cvid=8aec10646bec473bc0f5365f107607df

There is something both horrifyingly awful, and simultaneously absurdly hilarious about this image.

Anyway, I don’t doubt the San Francisco Water Control Board’s conclusion that the flushing toilets increased the contribution of nutrients into the bay causing red algae bloom and dead fish. But like, what exactly is the solution here? Do they think that over 7 million people not flushing their toilets is not going to result in unbearable stench?

Is not flushing the toilet really the answer? Image by Peter H from Pixabay

2) What takes four years to make and costs more than $20,000? A trash can in San Francisco

Poor San Francisco. In addition to all their toilet problems, SF also has trash can problems:

That costly, boxy bin is among six trash cans hitting San Francisco’s streets this summer in the city’s long saga in search of the perfect can. Overflowing trash cans are a common sight…City officials hired a Bay Area industrial firm to custom-design the pricey trash can along with two other prototypes that cost taxpayers $19,000 and $11,000 each. 

https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/san-francisco-pricey-trash-cans/

Is it just me or does “the search for the perfect can” sound like San Francisco is trying to date a trash can? Like replace “can” with “man” and the sentence still makes sense. SF has been looking since 2018, and I’m told that online dating can take just as long. Then there’s this gem:

“We live in a beautiful city, and we want (the trash can) to be functional and cost-effective, but it needs to be beautiful,” [Beth Rubenstein, spokesperson for SF Dept of Public Works] said

https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/san-francisco-pricey-trash-cans/

A hot, sexy trash can. Photo by Lisa Fotios: https://www.pexels.com/photo/stainless-steel-can-with-fire-2456828/

Unfortunately for SF, the dating world trash can search is full of pitfalls:

But the good looks of the shiny new trash cans have not protected them from vandalism and disrespect. Three weeks after being unveiled, several have already been tagged with orange and white graffiti. Others already show the drip stains of inconsiderate coffee drinkers or have attracted dumping…

https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/san-francisco-pricey-trash-cans/

By the way, the article notes that SF plans to replace 3,000 cans at a cost of $2,000-3000 per can. Once you’re spending $9 million on trash cans, spending $1.7 million on a toilet doesn’t sound that crazy.

I’ll quit snarking on California and make fun of a different state.

3) Found: Alligator, drugs, guns, money. But where’s the tiger?

This headline sounds like a Florida Man story (actually, very similar to a Florida Man story from several months ago, although granted there are no tigers in the Florida Man story). But actually, this is an Alburquerque, New Mexico story:

An alligator, drugs, guns and money were seized during a raid at two homes in Albuquerque last month, but New Mexico wildlife officials said Saturday they are still searching for a young tiger they believe is being illegally kept as a pet.

https://apnews.com/article/science-oddities-new-mexico-albuquerque-animals-b25cea7b0e8efdb33649e02affa92d4e

Timothy Price, do you have any new critters? 🤣

I almost didn’t include this story because the article never answers the question posed in the headline:

Investigators think the tiger is with someone “in New Mexico or a nearby state,” New Mexico Department of Game and Fish conservation officers said in a statement

https://apnews.com/article/science-oddities-new-mexico-albuquerque-animals-b25cea7b0e8efdb33649e02affa92d4e

That definitely narrows it down to a few hundred thousand square miles. Fortunately, the news article leaves the reader with important, useful information:

…tigers can grow to 600 pounds (272 kilograms), the department said, calling large meat-eating animals such as tigers and alligators a clear danger to the public.

https://apnews.com/article/science-oddities-new-mexico-albuquerque-animals-b25cea7b0e8efdb33649e02affa92d4e

Groundbreaking facts right there.

No shit. Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-tiger-showing-his-fangs-while-lying-on-white-surface-40661/

4) Iowa town asks: Where did we put our time capsule?

Technically, this article doesn’t answer the question either:

The small northwest Iowa city of Sheldon planned to make the opening of a time capsule one of the centerpiece events of its 150th anniversary this weekend, but it ran into a slight problem.

No one is sure where the time capsule is buried.

“We’re trying to find instructions on exactly where it’s at before we just start digging,” said Sheldon Chamber of Commerce Director Ashley Nordahl. “We think we know where it is, but to dig up concrete in the park when we have such a big event going on, we’re just postponing that to a little bit later in the year.”

https://apnews.com/article/iowa-city-dd346d03d034389104294d165dc793fb

That’s solid advice right there – don’t start digging up concrete until you know what you’re looking for and where.

Wisdom for the day: Don’t drill the concrete until you know where you should be drilling. Photo by jesse orrico on Unsplash

At least the Sheldon Chamber of Commerce didn’t lose a tiger.

5) Sex toys and shoes?

A little streetwear label has partnered with a giant in the adult toy industry to create a shoe derived in part from unused, defective amusements that come off the manufacturing line as misfits.

Looking a lot like Merrell’s popular Hydro Moc or Yeezy’s Foam Runners, Plastic Soul is about 15% sex toy.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sex-toys-become-shoes_n_62fff4d5e4b00c150d6178ea

I wonder if the material labeling on the shoe actually says “15% sex toy”.

Although sales haven’t been all that good relative to competitor shoe brands, the collaborators (David Teitelbaum, founder of Rose in Good Faith, and Chad Braverman, chief operating officer for Doc Johnson, adult toy company) are proud of their innovative product / statement on sex positivity:

“Something like 28% of the sales are going to women,” Teitelbaum said. “We’re hitting an interesting narrative. I think there’s a deeper connection.”

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sex-toys-become-shoes_n_62fff4d5e4b00c150d6178ea

28% of sales going to women = 72% of sales going to men. Is 72% of sales by male customers not an interesting narrative? Do they think that male customers don’t have a deep connection? What’s the significance of this statistic?

Because I believe in the value of investigative reporting for my readers (and I was also curious AF), I reviewed the product website. And based on my research (and amazing business savviness) I’ve come up with a brilliant plan for Rose in Good Faith to boost sales of Plastic Soul: Offer it in women’s sizes in addition to men’s sizes.

There are jokes to be made about sex toy shoes and men’s size charts, but I’m gonna keep it professional in case Rose in Good Faith wants to hire me for a consulting gig due to my brilliant sales-boosting plan.

Drop your best sex toy shoes/men’s size chart jokes in the comments. Photo by Ono Kosuki: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-making-marks-on-wooden-plank-with-measurement-tape-5973909/

Speaking of men’s sizes…

6) The Real Reason Five Guys Cuts Its Hot Dogs

I’m a nice Jewish girl who rarely frequents non-kosher fast-food restaurants, so when I first read this headline, I immediately kvelled at the thought of a group of gentlemen deciding to convert to Judaism together. Mazal tov!

Then I realized it was an article about literal hot dogs.

Or is it?

If you have ever ordered a hot dog from Five Guys, you likely noticed its trademark lengthwise slit. Why does this incision exist, and does it affect the final result in any way?

Read More: https://www.mashed.com/1009695/the-real-reason-five-guys-cuts-its-hot-dogs/?utm_campaign=clip

The jokes write themselves. I’m just gonna post emojis because I’m a nice, well-behaved Jewish girl🌭

One user decided to interject with a query…”I love Five Guys like probs too much, but please explain the reason the hot dog gets cut.

Read More: https://www.mashed.com/1009695/the-real-reason-five-guys-cuts-its-hot-dogs/?utm_campaign=clip

Easy – Genesis 17:10-14. #NiceWellBehavedJewishGirl 🌭

Then there’s this quote from someone supposedly talking about how he likes his “hot dogs”.

James Lowenstern of The Savage Wiener, for one, is a fan of the butterfly method. “The real magic happens with you use that handy new slit to load up on toppings.”

Read More: https://www.mashed.com/1009695/the-real-reason-five-guys-cuts-its-hot-dogs/?utm_campaign=clip

Ok, I admit I threw that WebMD link into the quote. Otherwise, this #NiceWellBehavedJewishGirl is holding her tongue.

(So much for keeping it professional for that consulting gig.)

I still think this story had nothing to do with hot dogs. Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-holding-hotdog-4676419/

7) What Is Winter Like on Mars?

I have to be honest – this question was not something I ever thought about:

Mars may seem like a dry, desolate place, but the red planet transforms into an otherworldly wonderland in winter, according to a new video shared by NASA.

https://www.cnn.com/2022/12/28/world/mars-winter-nasa-photos-scn/index.html

Then again, considering that Southwest Airlines is still dealing with flight cancellations, maybe it is time to consider alternate winter vacation destinations. I mean,

“Enough [snow] falls that you could snowshoe across it,” said Sylvain Piqueux, a Mars scientist at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, in a statement from a NASA release. “If you were looking for skiing, though, you’d have to go into a crater or cliffside, where snow could build up on a sloped surface.”

https://www.cnn.com/2022/12/28/world/mars-winter-nasa-photos-scn/index.html

I think the above quote sounds like a travel guide. Photo by Ralph (Ravi) Kayden on Unsplash

If you’re into winter sports, Mars seems like a great place to be! Then again the temperature can reach -190℉ (-123℃) at the Martian poles, so maybe not. Still, there are reasons to celebrate:

NASA scientists celebrated the Mars new year on December 26, which coincided with the arrival of the spring equinox in the Northern Hemisphere.

https://www.cnn.com/2022/12/28/world/mars-winter-nasa-photos-scn/index.html

Belated Happy New Year, Mars! And Happy New Year to all my earthling readers!

Photo by Kateryna Hliznitsova on Unsplash